


when your stitch comes loose

by EllenArcher



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Love Triangles, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pining, Written after Miniature Gulf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-03-17 14:05:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13660542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllenArcher/pseuds/EllenArcher
Summary: Cyrus still has a huge crush on Jonah, Jonah is still oblivious. Same old, same old.But now the school bully is being nice to Cyrus, and this is changing things. Lots of things.





	1. I spin a little wheel when I'm feelin’ moody

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! After seeing the adorable swingset scene in Miniature Gulf, I definitely started shipping Cyrus and TJ. But I've shipped Jyrus for so long, and I still love them so much. So I want to write about both ships! So here I am!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from JOHNNY by BROCKHAMPTON

“Come on, come on, come on!” Cyrus impatiently waited for the line of students to move forward. He had been inching his way closer to the stand of chocolate chocolate chip muffins for what felt like hours. In reality, it was probably only a few minutes, but time always dragged on Monday mornings. 

This Monday morning had Cyrus feeling particularly tired. He had been so busy this weekend, he hadn’t had much time to sleep. Sleeping was difficult for Cyrus anyway, what with his mind racing a mile a minute over his countless anxieties and insecurities. But the past few days he hadn’t even had a chance to try to sleep, since he and Jonah were finishing up the editing of the welcome video they had made for their school’s website.

Cyrus stifled a yawn as the line to the counter moved infinitesimally forward. There was only two muffins left! Uh oh. He was about to start sweating.

But before he had the chance, he felt a hand clap on his shoulder. Expecting Buffy or Jonah, he turned around with a smile. A smile that quickly turned to a face of shock when Cyrus saw that TJ, the captain of the basketball team, was the one standing behind him. 

Whoa. Were Cyrus and TJ friends now? Sure, they had bonded over both having stuff they needed to work through, but that was a few days ago at the park. Cyrus didn’t think their newfound camaraderie would transfer to the school environment. Especially since TJ was known as a bit of bully, whereas Cyrus wasn’t even really known as anything around these halls. He had tried to get the Good Hair Crew name to stick, but so far only Jonah seemed to appreciate it.

But now TJ was acting all chummy with Cyrus. Maybe this meant their little moment on the swing set had been the start of a real friendship. For some reason, Cyrus found himself hoping this was the case.

“What up, Triple C?” TJ grinned, grabbing Cyrus’s arm gently and pulling him toward the front of the line.

“Triple C?” Cyrus questioned. “My last name is Goodman. That doesn’t start with a C. And my middle name – ”

TJ rolled his eyes. “It stands for Chocolate Chocolate Chip, duh.” He grabbed the last muffin off the tray, smiling smugly. “And I thought I was the dumb one.”

Cyrus’s mouth fell open. “You’re not dumb, TJ.” He was going to say more, but suddenly TJ was stuffing a bite of muffin into Cyrus’s mouth.

“It was a joke, dude,” TJ replied lightly. He then bit off a piece of the muffin for himself.

Cyrus had never had a ton of friends, and didn’t consider himself very well-versed socially. But was it really normal for someone you only had one real conversation with to forcefully share a muffin with you? He didn’t think so.

He didn’t want to dwell on it, though. He was just happy to have a new friend. So he joined TJ on a bench in the commons area of the school and they continued munching on the chocolaty treat.

“I think it’s really cool that you can joke about your ‘stuff,’” Cyrus admitted, licking his fingers clean. “I’ve only recently gotten good at that myself.”

TJ crumpled up the empty muffin wrapper and tossed it in the bin. “I don’t know if it’s ‘cool’ exactly. I just... I want to make fun of myself before anyone else has the chance to.”

That broke Cyrus’s heart. He never expected someone like TJ to be so insecure. They actually seemed to have a lot in common. Cyrus was really glad to have a new friend. He didn’t have a lot of male friends. Really just Jonah, and that was pretty complicated because of Cyrus’s giant crush on him.

But before Cyrus let his head get lost in the clouds thinking about his super cute and sweet friend, he reminded himself he was trying to nurture a new friendship here. He put his hand on TJ’s arm in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “Hey, if anyone makes fun of you, I’ll beat them up,” he joked. They both knew Cyrus could never hurt a fly.

TJ laughed, his eyes crinkling as a grin spread across his face. “Thanks, man.” He stood up and held out a hand to Cyrus to help him up as well. Cyrus gladly accepted and the two boys made their way down the hall, separating at the end to head toward their different classrooms.

Cyrus had barely taken his seat when Jonah excitedly bounded into the room. That boy was always smiling. And it always made Cyrus’s heart flutter. Ugh, would he ever get over this hopeless crush? Cyrus knew Jonah didn’t like him like that. Heck, Jonah didn’t even like guys like that.

But no need to wallow in that misery right now. There was enough misery to deal with right now, what with the school bell ringing to signal the start of class.

Jonah leaned over to whisper to Cyrus as they began copying down today’s assignment. “Wanna go give Metcalfe our video during lunch?” he asked excitedly. He was clearly proud of their work. And truthfully, Cyrus was too. Sure, making the video had been tough going at first, but once Cyrus cleared his head a little while on the swings, it definitely turned around.

“Yeah, for sure,” he replied. Hopefully the principal would love the video as much as its co-creators did.

\--

He did not.

Principal Metcalfe pushed the laptop away from himself. “Gentlemen,” he began, clearing his throat. This couldn’t be good. “I believe I specified that Mr. Goodman here was to be on screen in the video.”

“Yes sir, but truly, it should have been Jonah all along,” Cyrus replied truthfully. Jonah was much more charismatic than Cyrus, and he was clearly a natural in front of the camera. Just like he was a natural at everything else. Ugh, sometimes the amount of perfect this boy was could be frustrating.

“No, Cyrus, you totally would have gotten it in the end,” Jonah insisted, nudging Cyrus’s arm amiably. “You just need to work on your confidence.”

Before Cyrus could reply, Metcalfe added, “Exactly! That’s one of the reasons I wanted you in the video, Cyrus. I want you to see yourself as an important member of our student body. I want you to be involved in our activities. Mr. Beck here is already a member of our ultimate Frisbee team.”

Cyrus had to refrain from rolling his eyes. He knew Jonah was on the team. He was only their biggest fan, duh! Well, to be fair, he was more of a fan of Jonah than of the actual sport or the school team, but no one but Buffy had to know that. “I’ll get involved in something else, I promise,” Cyrus relented. “I just really would rather be behind the camera.”

“He’s a great cinematographer!” Jonah added excitedly. He was always talking Cyrus up, making him seem way more awesome than he actually was. That was one of the things that made Cyrus like him so much.

“Very well,” Metcalfe said, closing the matter for now. He ushered the boys out of his office soon after, telling them to expect the video to appear on the school’s website that evening.

As they walked away, Cyrus’s phone binged with a text. He pulled it out of his pocket curiously, glancing at the screen. Just his mom. He should have known. She was always checking in when she wasn’t with a patient. With her being a therapist, she tended to worry quite a bit about Cyrus and his mental health. But he was feeling okay today. And actually, her text wasn’t even about that. It was just a reminder that he still needed to pick out a suit for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah.

“You haven’t gotten a suit yet?” Jonah asked, peeking at the text on Cyrus’s phone. “What are you waiting for, dude?”

Cyrus shrugged. “Honestly, I just don’t really want to go shopping with my parents. They’re just going to gush over how ‘adorable’ I am. I don’t want to look adorable! This is my Bar Mitzvah, for Pete’s sake! I’m about to be a man! I shouldn’t look adorable. I should look…”

“Hot?” Jonah offered. Cyrus’s cheeks immediately flushed. Was it incredibly warm in here? What was happening? Had Jonah Beck just insinuated that Cyrus could potentially, in some crazy universe, look hot? That – that was ridiculous! Cyrus was practically choking on his own spit just at the suggestion.

Jonah just laughed and shook his head like he often did at Cyrus. “Hey, if you don’t want to go shopping with your parents, I’ll go with you. I’m going to need a suit for your big day, anyway.”

Gosh dang it, this boy was such a sweetheart. Cyrus was so glad that Jonah was his friend, even if it was a little painful sometimes because Jonah would never feel the way about Cyrus that Cyrus felt about him. Oh well. Cyrus was used to a little pain.

“That would be great!” he replied, beaming at Jonah. Spending a day with the boy he liked did sound like a lot of fun. And if they both needed suits, it just made sense to go shopping for them together.

“Docious! Tomorrow after school?”

Cyrus nodded in agreement. By then he and Jonah had made their way back to the cafeteria for the end of the lunch period. Cyrus spotted TJ at a table in the back and was reminded of how friendly the boy had been to him that morning. Man, today was just full of the school’s coolest guys being great friends to Cyrus. And hey, he wasn’t going to complain about that.


	2. Some days I feel everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suit shopping!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Half by PVRIS

The next day at school dragged by a little. To be honest, Cyrus was really looking forward to suit shopping later with Jonah. Which was weird, because trying on clothes and being around the boy he liked both made him nervous as heck. But maybe combining the two had a double negative effect? Because Cyrus could not be more excited.

Jonah seemed pumped, too. In history class he passed Cyrus a note that said “Me and you + after school + suits = yesss.” Was Cyrus crazy or was Jonah acting kind of flirty with him? Nah, that couldn’t be. Jonah was just insanely nice and sweet.

Someone who wasn’t so sweet to Cyrus today was TJ. They had been getting along so well the previous few days. But today when Cyrus waved hello to the basketball star, TJ pointedly looked away and continued chatting with his teammates.

Cyrus figured he would try again, so he swung by TJ’s locker before heading outside to meet Jonah once the final bell had rung to signal dismissal. 

“Hi TJ,” he greeted, offering a smile. TJ looked mildly annoyed, but he shook his head, seemingly shaking away whatever thoughts were troubling him, and brightened up a bit.

“Hey Goodman,” he said, shutting his locker after grabbing his basketball gear. “I’m in a hurry right now, but we’ll talk later, okay?”

“Sure, later. But hey, do you maybe want to - “

But TJ was already walking away. Never mind then. It was probably better that he left before Cyrus could say something he would regret. Wait, what? What had Cyrus been about to say? Sure, he had thought about maybe inviting TJ to his Bar Mitzvah next week, but he wasn’t really going to do that. He didn’t have a death wish, after all. He knew TJ would never be caught dead at a party for a nerd like Cyrus. But they were kind of friends, right? They had bonded at the park. They had talked about their insecurities. Heck, they had shared a muffin. That had to make them at LEAST close acquaintances. Didn’t it?

Cyrus ruminated on this as he walked outside the School building, where Jonah was waiting with his skateboard. “Where you been, Cy-guy? I’ve been waiting!” Jonah didn’t look mad, but maybe a little disappointed. Whoops, had Cyrus been late? He hoped not. He had only waited at TJ’s locker for a few minutes. Was that annoying? Was that desperate? Ugh, Cyrus was overthinking again. And Jonah was still waiting for an answer, looking at Cyrus expectantly.

“Sorry, I was just talking to TJ.” Cyrus hopped on his bike and the boys got ready to take off toward downtown, where they would shop before Jonah’s parents took them both to dinner.

Jonah’s face shifted into a strange expression, one Cyrus couldn’t remember ever seeing on the boy’s face before. It was almost like Jonah didn’t care for TJ. But didn’t Jonah like everyone? He was the friendliest guy in school!

“What, you don’t like him?” he pried, glancing over st Jonah as they rounded a corner on their respective sets of wheels.

“I didn’t say that,” Jonah protested softly.

“Then what? Is everything okay?” Cyrus didn’t want anything to put a damper on the afternoon they were about to spend together.

Jonah paused, biting his lip in thought. “Everything’s great. I just never said I don’t like him.”

“I know that.” Cyrus decided it was best to drop the subject. They would be at the clothing store soon, anyway. There wasn’t much more time for chatter that was only seeming to put Jonah in a sour mood. Something Cyrus never wanted to see again. Jonah was the purest soul, and he didn’t deserve anything that would upset him. Even if Cyrus had no idea exactly WHY Jonah was upset.

“What kind of suit do you think I should get?” he asked to change the subject.

“I’m sure you’ll look good in whatever you choose. But you’re gonna have to try on a bunch so I can fully assess.” Jonah grinned cheekily.

“Oh, of course.” Cyrus grinned back.

When they arrived at the shop, the boys picked out several silly options for them both, and then headed into adjoining dressing rooms to try them on. Jonah of course looked dapper and handsome even in a bright purple suit, but he ended up settling on a more traditional dark gray that really went with his eyes. Not that Cyrus was about to telll him that. Talk about embarrassing!

Jonah completed his purchase and sat down in a comfy chair across from the fitting rooms to watch Cyrus try on his remaining selections. One of these was a super outrageous comic book print suit that Cyrus sort of really wanted, (and that had made Jonah absolutely crack up!) but he knew was not appropriate for a Bar Mitzvah. In fact, one of these suits seemed good enough for his big day.

Cyrus was starting to feel a bit hopeless. Everything was too big, too small, or too expensive. He flopped down next to Jonah in defeat. “Nothing fits!” he grumbled. “I’m just going to wear one of the nice shirts I wear to temple.”

Jonah scooted over and nudged Cyrus companionably. “You are not! We are here to get you a snazzy suit! Here, let’s look at this rack.” He gestured to the “new arrivals” section. Cyrus begrudgingly followed him to the line of suits, finally picking out a few he was willing to try on. Jonah had piled a few of his own selections for Cyrus into the boy’s arms as well.

Cyrus pulled on a cobalt blue jacket a few minutes later. Hmm, this one wasn’t too bad. He buttoned it up carefully and exited his stall to show Jonah. Jonah, who looked up with a wide grin and blinked a few times. 

“What? Is it good?” Cyrus was starting to feel a bit self-conscious. Why was Jonah’s smile spreading across his whole face like that? Why were his eyes lighting up? Was the suit really that ridiculous that he was about to burst out laughing?

Cyrus rushed over the mirror to check himself out. Jonah quickly followed, sauntering up closely to Cyrus so that both of their reflections were displayed in the full length mirror. 

“Dude,” Jonah began, running his hand down he fabric covering Cyrus’s arms, “you look so good.”

Cyrus swallowed thickly. He had liked the color a lot, and the fit was good, but the compliment still made his ears turn deeply, hotly red. 

“Thanks,” he muttered lowly, not exactly trusting his voice. It tended to crack when he was nervous, especially around Jonah. Although the cracking wasn’t happening nearly as much as it used to. Thanks, puberty. “Do you... do you think I should get it?”

Jonah nodded vigorously. “Heck yeah! You’re gonna blow everyone away. You don’t even have to worry about memorizing your Torah reading! No one’s even going to be listening cause they’re gonna be too distracted by how handsome you look!”

Whoa. That was a lot to take in. First of all, Jonah had just called Cyrus handsome. He had complimented him! Twice! That was enough to make Cyrus’s head spin. And boy, it was spinning! 

On top of all that, Jonah had mentioned the Torah reading that was part of the Bar Mitzvah celebration. That meant he had been listening when Cyrus had mentioned it before, and hadn’t just brushed it off as another Jewish “quirk” of Cyrus’s. 

“You really think so? Cause it would actually be really nice if no one noticed my botched pronunciation,” Cyrus admitted. “Cause my Hebrew is... not great.”

“You’re always doubting yourself. I’ve heard you reciting before, and you do just fine!” There Jonah went, reassuring Cyrus once again. What a great guy. “And I can help you practice later tonight if you want?”

“You would do that?” 

“Of course! After dinner with my parents we can just go back to my house and - oh, shoot.” Something seemed to have dawned on Jonah, and his excited expression shifted to one of... was that disappointment? “I forgot Cy, I can’t hang out after dinner actually. I’m sorry. I’d rather help you practice your Hebrew but I have... I just have other plans.”

“Oh, no, that’s fine. It’s fine.” Of course Cyrus was disappointed, but he had already had such a great afternoon with Jonah, he couldn’t find it in himself to complain too much. Besides, it was sort of nice to see that Jonah was clearly disappointed he wouldn’t get to spend more time with Cyrus, too. It was probably just because his other plans were no fun, though. He probably had chores or homework to do. 

Cyrus went to go purchase his own suit as Jonah put away all the ones they had decided not to buy. Jonah was just about finished hanging them all up when his phone beeped. A text from Andi. “Can’t wait to see you tonight after dinner,” it read.

“Yeah, I can’t wait either,” Jonah wrote back, glancing over at Cyrus as he shoved the phone in his pocket. Cyrus was grabbing his shopping bag from the cashier now, and was just about to head back over to Jonah. Jonah hoped he wouldn’t notice the slight blush on his cheeks. Truthfully, he didn’t even know why he was blushing. It’s not like Cyrus could even see his texts. Cyrus didn’t know that Andi was the person Jonah had plans with. Cyrus didn’t know Jonah had forgotten about the plans for a minute when he had had a chance to spend time with Cyrus. Cyrus didn’t know what was going through Jonah’s head. Cyrus didn’t know... He just didn’t know. And Jonah was planning on keeping it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this chapter out before the actual suit shopping episode! I'm going to miss it on Friday because I have a PVRIS concert, but let's talk about it on Saturday!
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day!!!


	3. I would burn my dreams away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Reckless Love by Bleachers

About 15 minutes after Cyrus finished his suit purchase, Mr. and Mrs. Beck arrived to pick up the boys and take them to dinner at a Chinese place nearby.

Jonah was a little bit nervous, to be honest. He didn’t want his parents to embarrass him in front of Cyrus. Hopefully they wouldn’t mention anything about “at home” Jonah that he would rather his friends not know. He wanted to keep up his “always happy, never worried” facade. That was one of the things he knew people liked so much about him. They probably wouldn't like it if he was just stressed out like everyone else. His jovial attitude is what set him apart from the rest of the kids at school. It made people admire him. Or sometimes it even made people have crushes on him.

That reminded Jonah of Andi. Was he doing something he shouldn't by agreeing to their plans that night? Should he just tell her now that he wasn't really feeling it? But no, that would be insensitive. She liked Jonah, and he didn't want to let her down over a text. He decided he would talk to her in person that evening. There was no need to burst her bubble already. She could go on for a couple more hours thinking everything was hunky-dory.

In the meantime, Jonah was going to try his best to enjoy his time out with his parents and Cyrus. He had to keep up his smiling for a while longer. Things were good. He could do this. Come on. Keep smiling. Think of how fun your afternoon with Cyrus was. Wait, no. Maybe don't think of that, because that makes you think about how you know you'd rather spend time with Cyrus than Andi, and what does that say about you and your feelings, and what does that mean for how people see you, and -

"What are you going to order?" Cyrus interrupted Jonah's mindswim of insecurity. Thank goodness. Jonah was about to minddrown.

Jonah pasted a smile back on his face. "I'll just get whatever you're getting, Cy-guy," he replied. The menu was huge, honestly. He never would have been able to decide anyway.

They ended up both getting the kung pao chicken, which they munched on over an easy enough conversation about Cyrus's parents. Mr. and Mrs. Beck had not had a chance to meet either of Cyrus's parents yet, so they just gleaned all their information from Cyrus himself. 

"It's so lovely that you get along well with your parents, Cyrus," Mrs. Beck commented as she chewed her lo mein. "Jonah wants nothing to do with us half the time."

Jonah swallowed a rather large bite. "That's not true, Mom. I just am really busy."

Mrs. Beck nodded in agreement. "I know, I know. You have frisbee and school and your girlfriend. How is Amber, by the way?"

Cyrus looked over at Jonah curiously. Amber? Had Jonah not told his parents that he and Amber had broken up months ago? Why would he not tell them?

Jonah looked back at Cyrus shiftily. He shook his head oh-so-slightly, as if to tell Cyrus not to worry. "Uh, Amber's not great. Remember I told you her parents are getting a divorce?"

Mrs. Beck's face fell. "You didn't tell me that, sweetie. That's so sad! I hope you're being there for Amber during this hard time."

"Of course," Jonah assured her, still making eye contact with Cyrus. What exactly was going on? Why was Jonah trying to keep up a facade in front of his parents? And why was he not even trying to clear things up? And WHY was he looking at Cyrus like that?

Cyrus opened his mouth to say something, but then he felt a hand squeeze his knee. Hard. Jonah had reached under the table and clasped his fingers tightly around Cyrus's leg, holding on for dear life. He clearly was desperate for Cyrus not to say anything. How odd. But Cyrus didn't want Jonah to worry. He placed his own hand on top of Jonah's and squeezed the other boy's hand reassuringly. He wasn't going to give anything away to Jonah's parents.

Instead of Jonah taking his hand back like Cyrus expected, Jonah flipped his hand over so that his palm was against Cyrus's. He squeezed Cyrus's hand one more time, much softer this time, and then slowly pulled his own hand away to place it back on his own lap.

Cyrus had to stop himself from gulping audibly. What in the world was going on here? Had Jonah Beck just HELD his hand?? And squeezed his knee? And given him a knowing look? AND HELD HIS HAND? 

Was it warm in here? Or was Cyrus just getting lightheaded? Was he really that worked up over this? Oh, who was he kidding? He was Cyrus Goodman. Of COURSE he was super worked up over this! The boy he liked had just held his hand, for goodness sake! He wouldn't be surprised if he started hyperventilating!

But he didn't. He just kind of clammed up through the rest of the meal. So Jonah's parents probably thought he was a total weirdo. But oh well. Things could have been worse. Right?

\- - 

Right. Things got worse. For Andi, at least. Jonah felt really bad later that night when he gave her back the bracelet she had made for him. But he knew it wouldn't be right for him to wear it anymore. It seemed way too coupley, and he wasn't interested in being a couple with her. That seemed kind of harsh, but there was just so much other stuff going on in Jonah's head, and he really didn't feel like trying to please Andi on top of everything else. He had been starting to feel like he was falling into another relationship hole like he had been with Amber. Amber, who actually had been a really good friend recently, and who Jonah wished had always just been his friend.

She even understood why Jonah was still telling his parents they were together. It was just so much easier than explaining to them that they had broken up and Jonah was kind of sort of seeing another girl, but he was actually starting to realize that he didn't have romantic feelings for the other girl, and actually he was starting to worry that he was having some very new and scary feelings, and he didn't have anyone to talk to about this, because he certainly couldn't tell his best friend, and there was NO WAY he could tell his parents!

In fact, Jonah didn't even tell Amber all of this. She just knew that his parents were hard to please, and they actually liked Amber, so it was better if they just believed that she and Jonah were still dating. And of course Amber was happy to keep up the appearance. Jonah was great. She didn't mind pretending to still be with him. It didn't require much effort, anyway. Jonah's parents weren't super involved in his life.

A lot of teenagers probably would have loved having laissez faire parents, but it kind of upset Jonah sometimes. Even when he DID tell his parents something, they barely listened. Like about Amber's parents divorce. He KNEW he had mentioned that to his mom and dad before, but then at the restaurant they had acted like it was the first time he had brought it up.

And if he explained to them that he wasn't with Amber anymore, and he didn't even think he wanted to be in any kind of relationship right now, they wouldn't listen to that either. They would just go along pretending everything was fine. Like they always did. Like they always made Jonah do.

His parents were just really concerned with appearances. That was one of the reasons Jonah always kept his smiling face on. Mr. and Mrs. Beck were always stressing the importance of putting out a pleasant impression. That's how you got people to like you. And Jonah REALLY wanted people to like him.

And yet, now that he had a girl that definitely did like him, why was it that he couldn't be bothered to hang out with her? Sometimes he didn't even understand himself.

But here he was, walking away from Andi after returning the bracelet. He hoped she wasn't too upset. They hadn't even been a "non-thing" for long, so hopefully she hadn't grown too attached. But she was sweet, and of course she would be disappointed to lose Jonah as a "maybe more than friend." He hoped they could still be ACTUAL friends.

Well, they would have to see each other soon enough, so maybe they could sort things out then. Cyrus's Bar Mitzvah was just a couple days away. 

\- -

This was something Cyrus was painfully aware of. His big day, where he would have to speak in front of dozens of people, was looming on the horizon. Everyone was going to be there. It was hugely nerve-wracking. And it only got more so when he found out TJ was in fact coming.

The following day at school TJ had practically accosted Cyrus to let him know. Cyrus was on his way to go talk to Jonah, actually. He was hoping to clear up some confusion about what had happened the night before. Jonah had been acting weird, keeping secrets from his parents. And then the HAND HOLDING? What in the world??

Cyrus wanted to get to the bottom of it all. But he never got the chance that day, because he was busy consoling Andi (who apparently Jonah had dumped?? Again - what the heck???). And then of course TJ stopped Cyrus at the end of the day when Cyrus was on his way to Jonah's skateboard, planning to head home with his friend.

"I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk much lately," TJ began, hurriedly walking beside Cyrus. "But I want to make it up to you. Can I come to your Bar Mitzvah this weekend?"

Cyrus was taken aback. TJ was so hot and cold with him. Being a great friend one minute, ignoring him the next. But he seemed sincere right now. And Cyrus HAD wanted to invite him to the celebration. So why not? TJ should come! It would only be one more stressor to add to Cyrus's already extremely stressful day. 

Boy, Saturday was going to be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this chapter is so messy, but I did have a lot of fun writing it!! And I wanted to get it out to you guys as soon as I finished it! I'm so sorry about all the mistakes!
> 
> The suit shopping in We Were Never was underwhelming, tbh. But it was still cute! And I'm sooo excited for the Bash Mitzvah episode this Friday!! What do you guys think is gonna happen??


	4. I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry it took me so long to update!! This chapter is short, too, and I'm sorry! I stink!!
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support you have shown this story!! I love you guys!
> 
> chapter title from The Freshman by The Verve Pipe

Saturday arrived before really anyone was ready for it. Cyrus was nervous as all get out. He didn't know if he would perfectly pronounce all the Hebrew words he had been practicing, especially in front of a hundred people! Plus, this would be the first time he had gotten a chance to finally talk to Jonah about the strange dinner with his parents, and the even stranger occurrence of Jonah breaking up with Andi that same night. And on top of all that, Cyrus was determined to figure out why TJ was so back-and-forth with their friendship. There was a lot to do today. A lot to find out.

 

Speaking of finding things out, Andi was planning on confronting Jonah and finding out why he all of a sudden didn't want to be with her. Maybe she was overreacting, but she did want closure, and she felt she deserved it.

 

Closure. Jonah contemplated the word himself as he listened to the reading Cyrus was giving during the ceremony that Saturday afternoon. He would never be able to get closure, because he could never even confront his own feelings. It was embarrassing, really. He was too nervous to confront his own parents about the way they dismissed him, and how they wanted him to be someone he really wasn't. They expected him to put out a carefree attitude, and that was getting harder and harder everyday. He didn't know how much longer he could do it.

 

"Dude, it's over," Bex whispered, nudging Jonah and bringing him back to reality. Whoops. He had zoned out just a little. Hopefully Cyrus hadn't noticed. Jonah didn't mean to be disrespectful to Cyrus's religion or anything. He knew this day was very important. He had to keep his cool. For Cyrus.

 

\--

 

About 15 minutes from the synagogue, another 14 year old boy was also thinking about Cyrus. TJ ran a comb through his hair one more time, just to make sure it lay perfectly on his head. He had never been to a Bar Mitzvah before, but he knew he better look sharp.

 

He had decided not to go to the actual ceremony, because the space was pretty small and he wouldn't know anyone. But a few kids from school would be at the after-party, and that was where TJ hoped to get a chance to talk with Cyrus. He wanted to apologize for his very unbalanced behavior. He knew he wasn't being the greatest friend to Cyrus, but he did have his reasons.

 

TJ walked downstairs and told his dad he was ready to go. Before he knew it, he was being dropped off outside the banquet hall where the party was being held. The event seemed to be in full swing, so hopefully TJ could just show up quietly and blend in for a little. He wasn't exactly ready to talk to Cyrus yet.

 

And good thing, because someone else was already talking to Cyrus. He was sitting with Andi and Buffy, and TJ couldn't hear what was being said, but they all looked rather emotional. Uh oh. He hoped everything was okay. Oh, wait. Okay. They were smiling now. TJ still wasn't sure what was going on, but the three friends were happily embracing each other. And to be honest, Cyrus looked relieved. Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. TJ couldn't help his curiosity, but he knew he and Cyrus weren't close enough friends for him to intervene and ask what was up. At least, they weren't close enough today. Maybe they would get there one day. He hoped so.

 

Before he could make any decisions about whether he should talk to Cyrus or Buffy first, both of them, along with Andi, had headed back inside, smiling with their arms around each other. TJ felt a pang somewhere in his chest. Oh gosh, he was pathetic. And clearly very lonely. Why did he want to be friends with those three anyway? (He knew why. But he wasn't ready to admit it. Actually, there were a lot of things he wasn't ready to admit.)

 

Whatever. Right now he was hungry. He would deal with everything other than getting a meal a little bit later. For now, food was calling his name.

 

Wait. No. That was a PERSON calling his name. 

 

TJ turned around. "Oh. Hi, Jonah." Jonah was smiling, but it wasn't reaching his eyes. "How are you?" TJ asked.

 

Jonah smiled wider this time and nodded. "I'm good! I was looking for the caricature artist. Have you seen him?"

 

TJ didn't even know there was a caricature artist at this party. He shook his head. He was going to make small talk, just to avoid going inside, but Jonah blurted out a quick "well, thanks anyway," and was off. Well, that had been weird.

 

Speaking of weird, there was apparently a fortune teller here, too. Again, TJ would do anything to stall, so he headed into the tent to see what his future would hold.

 

\- -

 

Meanwhile, Jonah was feeling uncertain about how his own future would unfold. He thought things would be okay. It had been his decision to break up with Andi, after all. Why did he feel so upset that she was hanging out with a new guy? (He knew why. But he wasn't ready to admit it. Actually, there were a lot of things he wasn't ready to admit.)

 

The caricature guy, Walker, had seemed to appear out of nowhere (like the magician Cyrus's parents had ALSO hired. This party was way over the top)! And now Andi was having a grand old time with him, and Jonah was more confused about his feelings than ever. Hadn't he already decided he didn't have romantic feelings for Andi?

 

Besides, he didn't have time to deal with this right now. He was here for Cyrus. And he was staying calm for Cyrus. He wasn't going to think about Andi. Or about his parents. Or about all the girls that were flocking him now that he was single. Or the fact that he didn't know if he could still be friends with Buffy and Cyrus if he wasn't with Andi. None of that was important right now. In fact, Jonah was having trouble finding anything important, other than the fact that he could no longer breathe.

 

What was happening?? Why was his throat constricting? Why couldn't he get enough air into his lungs? And was the room spinning? No, no, that didn't make sense. He wasn't in a room. He was still outside. Right? Suddenly, he wasn't so sure. Because if he was outside, there would be a breeze, right? But there wasn't. The air was still. So still it was stuffy. And hot. Gosh, it was so hot. It was like he was suffocating under the heat. He was gasping for air. His head was spinning. He couldn't see. Everything was blurring together. 

 

Jonah couldn't speak. His throat wouldn't open enough to let out any sound. But he had to scream. He had to scream for help! He was dying! He was going to die! He was so dizzy. And still so hot. Why was it so freaking hot??

 

Finally he managed to choke out "help! Help!" But had he even said that out loud? Had he just thought it? Had he yelled it? He wasn't sure. Jonah couldn't be sure of anything. The only thing he knew was that he was dying.

 

And then someone was there. It was still too blurry; Jonah couldn't see who it was. But there was someone there, someone reaching for him. Someone asking a question. What had they said? Jonah couldn't hear. His ears felt clogged. His vision was spotty, his heart was thrumming, certainly he was dying. "No, don't leave!" This person had to stay! Jonah didn't want to die alone!

 

"I'll be right back!" the person assured him. But Jonah didn't feel assured. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you all think of the Bar Mitzvah episode?


	5. I believe we just had to learn to fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooooo very sorry for how long it's taken me to update! I suck!!
> 
> chapter title from Let It Be by Hayley Kiyoko

Cyrus's dad sat with Jonah, trying to calm him down after his panic attack. Yeah. He had just had a panic attack. That had never happened before, and Jonah certainly hoped it never happened again. He had never been so scared in all his life. He actually thought for a minute there that he may be dying.

It was over now, but the fear was still there. Because now Mr. Goodman was saying that there would probably be a "next time." This wouldn't be an isolated incident. No. No, Jonah couldn't go through that again. There was just no way.

Mr. Goodman tried to reassure him. "Lots of people get panic attacks, Jonah. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Easy for HIM to say! He didn't have parents that saw any abnormality or atypicality as weakness. They would not want Jonah to be "different," not in any way. So Jonah WAS ashamed. And then he was ashamed that he was ashamed. He hated how much he cared what his parents thought. Why couldn't he be confident and independent and not care what people think?

Well, he knew why. Again, it was because of his parents. 

"Jonah, are you still with me?" Mr. Goodman waved a hand in front of the boy's face. Jonah shook his head to clear his thoughts, but it didn't really work. He still felt cloudy. He still felt... different.

"Son, I know this is scary," Mr. Goodman began, "but you're not alone in this. You have your family, you have your friends. They can help you. You just have to talk to them. They won't see you any differently."

Jonah knew that wasn't true. "I see me differently," he protested. He knew deep down that it probably wasn't weakness that had made him panic, but it still kind of felt like it was. He felt like he should be strong enough to deal with his emotions in a rational and mature way. He shouldn't panic just because there were some changes going on in his life. Sure, he had "broken up" with Andi, and sure, now he was feeling maybe a little jealous that she seemed to like someone new. Yeah, maybe he was having some weird feelings about another friend of his, like there was something hiding beneath the surface. Maybe he was slightly concerned that the person who had found him having a panic attack (WHO had that been? He couldn't remember, and he hadn't been able to see clearly at the time anyway) would tell everyone. Okay, so he was more than SLIGHTLY concerned. He was pretty darn concerned!

If his friends knew, things would be weird. Even if they didn't see him as weak, they would still see him as... not the Jonah they had come to know. He was known for his carefree, easy-going attitude. People who were carefree probably didn't have panic attacks. This would change things. His friends knowing that he was secretly falling apart inside, that would change things. They were great people, and they would probably stick by his side, but their relationships would change. Andi would reexamine every aspect of their relationship. Buffy wouldn't compete with him anymore for fear he would get overwhelmed. Cyrus wouldn't admire him the way he did. They would support him, sure, but they would also pity him. Jonah didn't want that. He couldn't deal with that.

\-----------------

Cyrus, on the other hand, was dealing with things very well. He had come out to Andi, and it could not have gone better! She still loved him, and she wasn't mad at him at all for keeping a secret from her, or for having a crush on the same boy she did. Seriously, it went way better than he had expected! He was on cloud nine right now. 

But uh oh. TJ was approaching him now. That may bring him down. It just depended on how TJ was feeling today. Maybe he was going to be super nice and friendly to Cyrus. Or maybe he would roll his eyes and make a nasty remark. Cyrus never could tell until after it happened.

But TJ was smiling. He walked up to Cyrus and grinned even wider. "Cyrus! Man, congratulations! You're a man now!" He gave Cyrus a bro hug, with one arm around his back. Cyrus seemed a little taken aback, but pleased. TJ was going to take it all in stride. The fortune teller had given him some news he wasn't sure how to handle, and Cyrus was part of the revelation. He needed to talk about it. He just didn't know if he was ready yet. He didn't want Cyrus to see him differently. Maybe he should talk to someone else first. But even before he did that, he was here to apologize.

"Thanks, TJ," Cyrus smiled shyly. "I'm... I'm glad you're here," he said genuinely. He liked TJ, he really did. It would just be nice if their friendship was more consistent.

"I'm glad I'm here, too," TJ replied shakily. "I um... I wanted to talk to you, actually. I want to apologize."

Cyrus let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Nice TJ was in full bloom today. And hopefully it would stay that way. If he was apologizing for his erratic behavior, that was certainly a good sign.

"I'm really sorry that I've been so weird lately," TJ began, looking down at his shoes every few seconds to avoid making eye contact. "I know we're friends, and I should BE your friend, always, and I'm trying to - I am. I just... I'm used to being friends with other kinds of kids. Kids who are... less nice, I guess?" TJ gulped before continuing. "You're the nicest friend I have. And I guess I'm like... scared. That sounds stupid, but whatever. I like you, and I want to be your friend, and I'm worried that - that I'm going to screw it up somehow. Like... like I'm self-sabotaging. I'm screwing up our friendship by being a jerk on purpose, so that I won't screw it up by ACCIDENTALLY being a jerk. Or... being dumb, or something." He finally looked up, his face a light pink. This was embarrassing. This was bad. And it wasn't even the WHOLE truth. He still wasn't ready to tell Cyrus that.

"TJ, you're not screwing anything up. We ARE friends. And we will stay friends! All you have to do is be honest with me. Just like that." Cyrus touched TJ's arm reassuringly. "And you're not dumb. Not at all. And even if you were, we could still be friends," he joked. "I wouldn't mind being the smart one." 

At that, TJ cracked a smile. They were friends. They were going to continue being friends. And he HAD been almost completely honest. That was good. That was a step in the right direction.

Now to talk to Buffy.

Buffy was on the dance floor with Andi and the caricature artist, who TJ had learned was named Walker. They seemed to be having a really fun time. Maybe TJ shouldn't interrupt it?

But no. He knew he was just using that as an excuse to stall. He needed to talk to Buffy. Now.

He walked up to her and gently tapped her shoulder. "Buffy, can we talk?"

She looked mildly concerned, and waved at her friends as she followed TJ off the dance floor. "Is everything okay?"

TJ nodded, and then shook his head. "I'm just... I want to talk to you about the fortune teller." Buffy nodded, urging him to continue. "I think... I think she may be for real."

Buffy blinked. "No, no, don't say that. Because she said my mom isn't home for good, and that can't be true." Her speech was speeding up as she got more and more upset. TJ held her arm, trying to calm her down.

"No, I didn't mean... I just think she knows more than we thought she did at first," TJ explained. "I asked her a couple questions, and she had some interesting things to say."

"Like what?" Buffy couldn't help asking.

This was going to be the hard part. TJ took a deep breath. "I asked her about me. About why I am... the way I am. I was talking about my possible learning disability, but I didn't tell her that. I didn't give her specifics. Because I wanted her to have to do the work."

Buffy nodded, catching her breath. Okay, and maybe the fortune teller hadn't been legit. Maybe she had got TJ all wrong. Just like she had gotten the story about Buffy's mom wrong. "Was she right?" Buffy finally asked. "Did she know that you have trouble learning?"

"She didn't," TJ answered, allowing Buffy her sigh of relief before he continued. "But she did know something. Something else I've been dealing with. Something I've wanted to confront even LESS than the possibility of me having a learning disability."

"So... so, is she right? Does she get it? Did she say what's going to happen?" Buffy asked urgently.

"I don't know if she's RIGHT, exactly. But she DOES seem to get it. Yeah sure, she didn't know about my trouble learning. But she knew... she knew something."

"Yeah, you said that already!" Buffy was getting impatient. "Just... can you tell me? Can you tell me what she knew? If it's bad, maybe she can only predict BAD things? Like my mom going away!"

"No, no, it's not bad. It's just... it's scary for me. But she wasn't scared. She...was happy. She didn't warn me of anything. She reassured me. She told me everything is going to be fine. That there's nothing wrong with how I'm feeling. There's nothing wrong with it. I shouldn't be scared. Or ashamed. And I think she's trying to say that you shouldn't be scared either, Buffy. All we can do is just keep going. There are things we can't control in life, and that's okay. We take what we're given, and we work with it. We do our best."

Buffy just stared for a minute. "Whoa. You got all THAT from a fortune teller?" She was stunned, to say the least.

"Okay, so I may have talked to Cyrus's therapist parents as well," TJ admitted, smiling a little. He still felt incredibly nervous, but Buffy was responding well. She seemed to be really considering what he was saying. Really taking it in.

"Are you okay, TJ?" Buffy asked. "Why did you need to talk to a therapist? And what did you mean when you said 'there's nothing wrong with how I'm feeling'? HOW are you feeling?"

Okay, no. Now THIS was the hard part. TJ had been wrong before. Now, finally, THIS was the moment where he had to really come clean. He knew this would help Buffy, and he knew it would help him in the long run, too. It was time to come clean. It was. It just was.

"I'm okay, yeah," TJ confirmed, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I was talking to a therapist because... like I said, I've been dealing with some feelings. And I wanted to see... if they were real. If they meant something."

"Are they? Are they real?"

"I think so." TJ seemed to be getting emotional. His eyes were misty, and he was having trouble swallowing.

"What are they?"

"I'm feeling..." TJ shook his head. He didn't know if he could do this.

"It's okay, TJ. Whatever it is, it's okay."

"I know. I know. I, um... I'm having feelings... for...for...boys. Like, like feelings most guys get for girls. I'm having those. For other guys."

Buffy's face softened. "Oh, TJ!" She grabbed his hand, holding on tight. "That's okay! That's good!"

"It is?"

"Yeah, it's great! Now you and I finally have something in common!"

Buffy was grinning, and TJ couldn't help but laugh, too. Okay, that WAS pretty funny!

"Yeah, who would have thought?" He joked back, feeling a lot lighter. A lot more like himself.


	6. Even at your worst you're not so bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lil angsty whoops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from I Don't Want To Know by Sigrid

Things didn't stay hunky-dory for any of the boys for long. 

TJ was dealing with a load off his shoulders, but there was a lot going on in his head. He couldn't believe he had confessed to Buffy. These feelings he was having, they were still pretty new to him. He didn't think he was ready to share them with anyone. And yet, he had. And it had felt good, actually. Scary, but good. Kind of like when you first start gong down a hill on a rollercoaster. And your stomach is in knots, but it slowly starts to unravel as the adrenaline hits you. And then it's over in a second it seems. And you feel kind of different. And kind of excited. But you're not sure if you would do it again.

That's how TJ felt. He wasn't sure if, given the chance, he would make the same confession to Buffy again. Because now she knew something about him that NO ONE else knew. Even when he was talking with Cyrus's therapist mother, he hadn't been specific. He had just said he was dealing with "some stuff." No one knew that for months he had been having thoughts that maybe he was different from most of this friends, in not just an intellectual way, but in an emotional way too.

Because when his friends talked about how cute the girls in their class were, TJ just nodded along. He didn't get into the conversation. Of course he saw the girls and recognized that they were pretty, but that was it. He didn't imagine himself asking out any girl. Ever. He didn't picture that for himself. His older brother had a girlfriend, and she was very sweet and pretty. But TJ just didn't believe that he could ever be in a relationship like that. And maybe it was because he was young. He tried to tell himself that when he grew up, he would want a girlfriend. He just wasn't ready yet. 

But then why was he ready to notice when boys were cute? Why did he notice when he would brush hands or linger in a hug with one of his male friends? Why did that give him a weird feeling in his stomach? Were those... butterflies? They were, weren't they?

After a few months of consciously feeling this way and not being able to ignore it, TJ met Cyrus. And things changed. Or, they deepened. They got more intense. More real.

Because this wasn't just noticing that a boy was cute. This was full on having a serious crush on a boy. Like, it was ridiculous. When TJ had first interacted with Cyrus, it was about helping Cyrus get a muffin so that Buffy would tutor TJ. Convoluted, yes. But TJ did it. And he had found it pretty adorable how helpless Cyrus was. He felt bad that the other boy couldn't really stand up for himself. But TJ tried not to think about it too much. Cyrus would be fine. He would figure things out. TJ would leave him to his own devices, because that's what he did. He wasn't someone who went out of their way to help someone he didn't really know. Even if it did feel kind of good.

But whatever. That was just one incident. One time. One moment of TJ noticing Cyrus was kind of a little cute. Nothing would come from it, of course.

But then... the day at the swing set. TJ had been overwhelmed, and he needed to get away, and he found himself at the park. He didn't know Cyrus was going to be there. He just wanted to clear his head a bit. All the tutoring with Buffy, and the frustration with both her and himself, it had been a lot. He needed a break. He needed to chill out.

And he had done more than that. He had relaxed, and smiled, and gotten to know Cyrus a little better. He had made a friend. Cyrus had helped him calm down a bit, and stop worrying. It had meant a lot. And it had meant that now TJ was starting to realize Cyrus wasn't just cute. He was special. Sweet, and helpful, and caring, and friendly. Oh boy. TJ had it bad.

He liked a boy. He couldn't deny it, or hide from it anymore. He had a real live crush on a real live boy. And he was terrified.

TJ wasn't one of those jocks who gave everyone a hard time for who they were. Okay, so he was sometimes, but he didn't MEAN to be. He tried not to make fun of people unless he had a good reason. Like if they were annoying him, or if he was upset that they were better at something than he was. So yeah, of course he gave Buffy a hard time. She was obnoxious and had to be the best, and was cramping his style on the basketball team. She was so frustrating. But Cyrus wasn't. And he was her friend, so maybe she wasn't so bad...

But whatever. That wasn't the point. The point was, TJ didn't judge people for every little thing all the time. But he knew people would judge him. I mean, he certainly wasn't going to TELL anyone that he had a crush on Cyrus, but still. He couldn't help worrying that somehow, someway, someone would find out. And they would judge him. Make fun of him. Tease him. See him as less than he was now. He didn't want anyone seeing him differently. Just like with the learning disability thing. That just wasn't part of TJ's code. He didn't have a disability. And he wasn't gay.

Oh gosh. There was that word. He had avoided thinking it until now. But it had pushed its way into his head, and now he couldn't get it out. If he liked a boy, and he didn't like girls... didn't that make him gay? But no. He couldn't be. Because that would make him different from his friends. He didn't want to be different. He wanted to be just like the other guys.

And he had tried to be. For a long time, he had tried. His crush on Cyrus didn't have to mean anything. He convinced himself of this. He tried to push Cyrus away, so the feelings would go away, too. But he really liked Cyrus, a lot. So he had a hard time staying away from him for long. And he didn't want to hurt the other boy. Hence all the back-and-forth, hot-and-cold. Their friendship had been quite inconsistent, and TJ knew it was all his fault. Which is why he had finally tried to resolve things at the Bar Mitzvah. And that had gone well. And it had made TJ's feelings completely unavoidable.

With the advice of the fortune teller and Cyrus's mom, even though they didn't know all the details (or any of them, really), TJ still felt sure that nothing horrible would happen to him if he came clean about his feelings. But even knowing that, it was still too scary to tell Cyrus. So TJ had decided to tell Buffy.

And it had gone really, really well.

But yes, it had certainly changed things. Now someone knew TJ's secret. He could no longer ignore it or hope it went away. His feelings for Cyrus were a real part of him now. And yeah, maybe that did make him gay. Maybe it did.

\------

Meanwhile, Jonah was going through his own turmoil. He hadn't had any more panic attacks, but at the rate he was worrying about having one, he was actually going to CAUSE himself to have one!

He had begged begged BEGGED Mr. Goodman not to tell his parents about the incident, but of course they had to know. Jonah was a minor, and his mental health was a concern. Mr. Goodman had an obligation to share any information with Jonah's mother and father. 

So share he did. Mr. Goodman, who Jonah learned did indeed have a first name - Jonathan - called the Becks into his office the Tuesday after the bar Mitzvah. Even though Jonah knew it would be inevitable, his heart still dropped when his mother, Margie, came to his room to tell him about the impending appointment on Monday morning.

"Jonah, honey?" she peered into his room slowly. That wasn't like her. She wasn't really one of those moms who respected their son's privacy. Wait, did those kind of moms even exist? She wasn't really one to knock or to ask permission before coming in. But today she seemed almost... shy? She didn't come in, she didn't sit down on Jonah's bed, she just stood in the doorway with the door still shut most of the way.

"Cyrus's dad just called and said he ran into you at the Bar Mitzvah and you were having 'an episode.' He says not to worry, but he wants to talk with your father and I along with you at his office tomorrow." Now Margie's town became accusing, as Jonah knew it eventually would. It always did. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No, mom, everything's fine," Jonah tried to assure her. She didn't seem to be buying it. Her eyes narrowed to slits and she took a microscopic step into the room. "I got a little panicky because I... I had to pee and I couldn't find the bathroom." Yeah, that was believable. Kind of. A little. Maybe not really. Jonah had to stop himself from rolling his own eyes. And his mom was no more impressed with his obvious lie. "Listen, Jonah," she began, clearly holding in a deep sigh. "If Dr. Goodman is calling us in, then it's obviously more than a little panicking about a bathroom. What really happened?"

Jonah turned away, folding his hands in his lap even though he really should be getting up and getting ready for school. "Mom, nothing. I was having a hard time breathing, it's not a big deal. I was probably just a little claustrophobic with all the people there." No need to mention that he had been outside, and there hadn't been a whole lot of people around.

"Oh, well we're all claustrophobic, dear. That's nothing. Why didn't you just say that?"

Because it was a lie. And Jonah hadn't thought of it fast enough. "I just don't want you to worry about me."

"Jonah, relax. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. I'm not too worried. I just wanted to make sure everything is normal." There was that word. "Normal." What did that mean? Jonah wasn't totally sure, but he felt confident that his parents wouldn't find panic attacks normal. They wouldn't see him as their normal, easygoing son anymore.

And their realization was coming soon. The appointment was tomorrow.

And then suddenly tomorrow was today.

It was Tuesday afternoon and Jonah's parents were picking him up from school to take him to the therapist office. Man, the past two days had flown by. That always seems to happen when you're deeply dreading something.

But now they were driving the short distance to the office. And now they were getting out of the car and walking inside and signing in and walking into a back room full of plants and comfortable-looking chairs, and Dr. Goodman was gesturing for them to sit down, and oh gosh, it was happening. Now.

Before he knew it, Jonah's parents knew everything. Well, everything that Dr. Goodman knew. That Jonah had been at the Bar Mitzvah, and he had been outside, and he had looked unsteady on his feet, and his eyes wouldn't focus, and he was muttering under his breath. For the first few minutes, he hadn't seemed to know that Dr. Goodman was next to him. And he had had trouble answering questions, like "what's wrong?" and "are you okay?"

And then he had very slowly calmed down, taking the deep breaths that Dr. Goodman advised. He had held on tight to the therapist's hand, squeezing it harshly as his vision slowly returned and the panic started to subside.

They had talked about what had just happened, and that it was okay, and that Jonah had just been very anxious. Now this was where Dr. Goodman looked expectantly at Jonah. He wanted Jonah to explain. Because only Jonah knew what he had been so upset about that had started the panic attack.

But then again, DID Jonah even know?

He had been sort of upset that Andi was having so much fun with Walker, and seemingly moving on from Jonah so quickly. He had been bothered that he felt his parents didn't listen to him, and didn't understand that his relationship with Amber would never work. He had been frustrated because he knew something else was going on with him, but he wasn't sure what. He wanted to be alone and he wished everyone would stop pressuring him, but then again he couldn't stand to me lonely. So what did he really want? He didn't know, and maybe that's what had caused him to panic. Because he knew he was unhappy but he had no idea how to make things better.

But he REALLY didn't want to explain that to a therapist and definitely not to his parents. So instead, he lied.

"I was upset because I was feeling claustrophobic." That's what he went with yesterday, and that's what he was going with now. It was for the best. He wanted - no, he NEEDED to be what his parents expected of him. So he would be. "I'm fine now. Everything's normal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would really love some feedback! I'm kind of unsure about this story.


	7. All you want is to play at playing God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets come out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Never Say Die by CHVRCHES

After a few days of insisting that he was fine, Jonah's parents relented a bit. After all, they wanted Jonah to be normal even more than he himself wanted to be. They wouldn't accept a son who was different. So they chose to believe he wasn't. And really, it wasn't so hard to pretend. Jonah was kind of used to it. 

And TJ was too preoccupied with his own stuff to worry about how Jonah was recovering from his panic attack. Heck, after coming out to Buffy, TJ barely remembered anything else that happened at the Bar Mitzvah. Had Jonah even been there?

Hey, at least TJ was able to joke around about this huge turning point in his life. Well, he could joke with himself. He would never do that with anyone else. At least not anytime soon.

But then TJ remembered when he had been able to joke with Cyrus about his intellectual challenges a couple weeks ago. Cyrus didn't know of course, but that was the first time TJ had really made light of his situation with anyone. It had been a big moment for him. And it meant a lot that he got to share it with Cyrus. It almost made him want to share this really big moment with Cyrus, too.

But he couldn't risk hurting their friendship after he had just finally gotten it back on track. So when Cyrus invited him over after school on Wednesday, TJ accepted, but he was secretly afraid he would say something to make things weird between them again.

Cyrus, meanwhile, was nervous himself. TJ had been really nice lately, and Buffy even seemed to be warming up to him finally. So Cyrus had worked up the courage to ask TJ to hang out one on one. It was high time the two boys got to know each other a little better. But Cyrus still had some butterflies in his stomach. Which was weird, because he had a crush on Jonah, not on TJ. Oh well, he figured he could probably have two hopeless crushes.

Buffy seemed very pleased that Cyrus was making an effort with TJ, which was also sort of bizarre because until now she hadn't exactly supported their friendship. But when Cyrus brought up the topic that day at lunch, Buffy had beamed. "I think you and TJ could be really good friends," she commented slyly. But when Cyrus asked her what made her say that, she just shrugged. Weird.

Regardless, TJ and Cyrus were now walking home from school together, and so far there had been no major incidents. Cyrus had tripped a little over a crack in the sidewalk, but that was to be expected. He was a bit clumsy, after all.

TJ hadn't tripped at all, but he also had barely said anything. He was too afraid that he would accidentally blurt out something about Buffy, and maybe she had suggested to Cyrus that he ask TJ to hang out? TJ didn't think she would blow his secret, but maybe she had hinted at it? He didn't want that. He wasn't ready for that. Although, if she HAD hinted something to Cyrus, and he still wanted to hang out with TJ, that was a very good sign. That meant he wasn't grossed out by TJ and his possible orientation. Not that he thought Cyrus really would be. Cyrus was a good guy. TJ knew that.

Speaking of good guys, after hearing someone call out "hey, guys, wait up!" TJ and Cyrus turned around to find Jonah Beck hurriedly walking toward them. A few seconds later he caught up to them and began matching their stride. "Can I walk home with you guys?" Jonah asked, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. "My parents were going to come pick me up, but I don't feel like being with them."

Cyrus looked concerned. "Of course you can walk with us. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, my parents have just been kind of on my case lately."

"Why?" TJ asked, before he realized he was being kind of nosy. "I mean, you don't have to tell us."

"It's fine," Jonah assured him, but his smile wasn't reaching his eyes. "They want to make sure I'm doing everything right."

"Well, it sure seems like you are!" Cyrus replied. "You have your stuff together more than anyone else I know."

NOW Jonah's smile reached his eyes. "Thanks, Cyrus, but I'm not so sure."

"Well, if you don't want to go home, you can come to my house. TJ is."

TJ was a little bummed that it wouldn't be just him and Cyrus hanging out, but he also figured if there was someone else there to buffer things, he would be less likely to embarrass himself. So it was all good. Jonah grinned and accepted the invitation, and then the boys walked on. It would only take about 10 more minutes to get to Cyrus's house.

Those ten minutes passed by uneventfully. Jonah didn't want to blurt out anything about his panic attack. TJ didn't want to slip up and mention his conversation with Buffy, and Cyrus didn't want either of his friends to be weirded out by his awkwardness and social ignorance, so no one really said much of anything. It was kind of uncomfortable, honestly. But the boys were used to it. Being a teenager is always kind of uncomfortable. 

Jonah's phone rang several times before they even reached Cyrus's house, but he ignored it each time. He really didn't want to talk to his parents. They had wanted to take him back to see Dr. Goodman, just to make sure everything was okay and normal, and that he wouldn't have another panic attack. But of course the doctor couldn't promise that. He mentioned the possibility of Jonah going on medication, but Margie quickly shut that down. Normal people didn't take medication for their mental health, she reasoned. Dr. Goodman tried to explain that actually, it is perfectly normal to need some medication to alter your brain's chemistry, but Margie wasn't hearing it. That's not the way she had been raised, and that wouldn't be the way she would raise Jonah. 

Rather than medication, Mr. and Mrs. Beck decided the best method would be to have Jonah talk with a therapist extensively until he was "fixed." Until he wouldn't panic anymore. Jonah, even though he was only 14, knew that this was ridiculous. He wanted to be fixed as much as his parents wanted him to be, honestly. But talking it out with someone who didn't know him did not seem like the answer. But he had a feeling he did know what would help.

"Hey, so I think I want to try getting back together with Andi," Jonah spoke up as the boys entered Cyrus's house and set their things down in the kitchen to get a snack.

TJ barely reacted, because he was too busy rummaging through the fridge. But Cyrus stopped pouring glasses of lemonade and widened his eyes. "I thought you didn't have feelings for her?"

Jonah had thought that, too. But then he had had that panic attack, and it happened pretty much right after he had seen Andi dancing and hanging out with Walker. He hadn't liked that feeling at all. He felt so out of control. And he didn't want to feel like that again. He definitely didn't want to have another panic attack. So he hoped that one way to avoid that would be to put himself in charge of his own relationship again. Even if a relationship with Andi wasn't exactly something he was sure he wanted, it was at least something he could handle if it meant he wouldn't be so anxious anymore.

But he wasn't about to tell his friends that. He wasn't ready to talk about the incident yet.

So he lied. "Yeah, I think I was just scared to commit. But I'm ready now," he replied.

That's when something clicked in TJ's mind. It had happened when Jonah had mentioned being scared. TJ remembered that Jonah had been scared and panicky at the Bar Mitzvah. TJ had found him having trouble breathing, really freaking out. TJ had run to go get help, but then Dr. Goodman had asked that he leave them so Jonah could calm down. In all the excitement and his sort of coming out to Buffy, TJ had forgotten all about Jonah. But now he remembered clearly. What should he do? Should he say something? Probably. Jonah needed to know that he was there for him. TJ knew how important it was to have someone there for you when you were struggling.

"Okay, if you're sure," Cyrus answered, but he didn't look convinced. He went back to preparing some snacks, and TJ took this opportunity to pull Jonah to the side for a private chat.

"Hey, Jonah, I'm sorry," he began. "I forgot about your episode this past weekend. Look, if you're scared -"

But Jonah didn't let him finish. "No, everything's good now. Thanks TJ. I'm fine." Jonah tried to pull away, but TJ didn't let him.

"Dude, listen. You shouldn't get back with Andi just so you don't freak out like that again. I talked with a therapist, and I learned some things. If you want to talk more about it, you really should. There's nothing to be ashamed of." TJ knew he was being a little hypocritical, because he found it difficult himself to open up. But it is much easier to give others advice than to follow it yourself.

"Thanks, TJ, but it's really for the best that I get back with Andi. If I want to talk, I'll let you know, okay?" And Jonah was clearly done talking about it.

But TJ was worried. He didn't want Jonah to have another panic attack, or whatever that had been at the Bar Mitzvah. He could recognize that Jonah needed help. And he wouldn't get that help from Andi. She was a really lovely girl, but she just wasn't what Jonah needed right now. And TJ thought he might know what is friend DID need. Someone to show him it was okay to be open and honest.

And TJ could do that for him. He could be brave, and honest. He could come clean with his feelings. If it would help his friend, he could do it.

"I'm happy for you, Jonah," he started, helping Cyrus carry the snacks into the living room. Once they all sat down, TJ cleared his throat. "And um, there's something I want to talk to you guys about. Something I've been dealing with lately."

"Is everything okay?" Cyrus asked, concerned for his friend.

"Yeah, it will be." TJ smiled. "I just want to be honest with you guys. I um, there's something about me. I'm not exactly like everyone else at our school."

Cyrus gulped. They were really all about to spill secrets, weren't they? Did that mean he should come clean, too? He had come out to Andi this past weekend, and he felt a lot lighter. He knew Jonah and TJ cared a lot about him, and wouldn't abandon him. If they felt comfortable sharing their secrets with him, then he should reciprocate that trust. But for now, he needed to focus on what TJ was trying to tell him.

"What do you mean?" Cyrus prompted TJ. "If you're gonna say you're not that mean and scary, we already know." He joked to lighten the mood.

TJ smiled. "No, I meant... well, you know Buffy has been tutoring me? And I'm not the smartest kid in the whole school?"

"Right, that would be Buffy," Jonah interjected, smiling fondly.

"True. Well, it turns out I actually have a learning disability. It's called dyscalculia, and it means I have a hard time learning math because they numbers get all mixed up in my head," TJ explained. "And I actually am going to a special tutoring center starting next week. They're going to help me work with my disability, rather than just ignoring it and hoping it goes away." TJ was speaking softly, but clearly. He was still a little embarrassed, but it did feel good to talk about one of the things he was struggling with. This was one less secret he had from his friends. 

"That's really great," Cyrus replied, patting TJ on the shoulder. Of course he had already known about TJ's academic struggles, but to hear confirmation that TJ was dealing with it and getting help was great.

Jonah, however, didn't say anything. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. And he was. He was thinking, TJ was the last person he would have expected to be vulnerable and open about his struggles. He was known as the scary basketball guy. But if he could be honest like that, and shoe is insecurities, maybe Jonah could too.

"I have anxiety," he blurted out. "I had a panic attack at your Bar Mitzvah, Cyrus. I was scared that I was losing control of everything in my life, and I just freaked out. I don't even know if I want to get back with Andi. I just know that I never had a panic attack when I was with her. And I don't know what that means."

Jonah spit this all out so quickly he barely even had time to breathe. And now Cyrus and TJ were looking at him, and he felt that scary feeling again. He tried to swallow it down. "I'm sorry. Forget I said that. I'm happy for you, TJ. I'm really glad you're getting help." Jonah's breathe was now coming out way too fast, and he was starting to feel dizzy. He had to get out of here. He grabbed his bag and ran out of the room before anyone could say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for all of the Kudos and comments and everyone who is reading this!! I love you guys!
> 
> I have a pretty consistent writer's block, but this story is fun to write when I push through that! So thank you for all the love and support!


	8. I can't give you my soul, 'cause we're never alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bleachers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am always sorry for how long it takes me to update!! I really am the worst!!
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!!
> 
> chapter title from Somebody Else by The 1975 (because the chapter word count was 1975 and also that's a terrific song)
> 
> But maybe I should have made it a Bleachers song because that's where this whole chapter takes place???
> 
> Ah the stress!

Jonah had told Cyrus to forget everything he had told him about his anxiety. But of course, Cyrus couldn't do that. It had been a big deal to learn that Jonah wasn't as carefree and perfect as he came across. It made him more human, more relatable, more approachable. The boys had been friends for over a year now, but Cyrus had never gotten over the slight intimidation he felt around Jonah. The boy was just perfect. Cyrus knew he could never compare, and he knew he was lucky that Jonah even considered him his best friend.

But now... it felt like the playing field was a lot more even. Jonah had problems, too. He wasn't some flawless god. Cyrus was happy to learn that, even though of course he felt bad for Jonah, having to suffer with his mental health. 

Cyrus also felt bad for Andi. He knew she really liked Jonah, and he didn't want her heart to break if she thought she and Jonah were going to be back together, only to discover that the only reason he wanted to be with her was because he was scared of being alone, and not having control.

Cyrus knew he had to talk to Jonah about this, but he really wasn't looking forward to it. Jonah had immediately become evasive after his confession, leaving the house before Cyrus or TJ could say anything to him. And now it was a few days later, Cyrus still in the dark about what Jonah was thinking after his admission. Jonah had been so busy with frisbee, and even when Cyrus went to the practices, Jonah went home right after without staying to chat with his friend like he usually did.

But Cyrus was determined to sit down with Jonah and have a serious talk. It was going to happen today. He would make sure of it.

So he texted Jonah before school let out that he would meet him on the bleachers after frisbee practice was over. Jonah sent a curt "okay" and left it at that. But at least it was something. 

And now Cyrus was on the second row of the bleachers (he knew it was coolest to sit at the top of the bleachers, but honestly he was afraid to go up that high - he didn't want to fall off). He had barely been waiting 2 minutes when Jonah exited the school building and waved happily. Oh, good! He seemed to be in good spirits. Cyrus had been worried he would be quiet and stubborn.

Jonah reached Cyrus in seconds, and climbed up on the bleachers next to him. "Cyrus, hi." Jonah smiled brightly. "What's up?"

Cyrus swallowed. "Well, I wanted to talk about what you told us the other day. Jonah, you can't get back with Andi if you don't have feelings for her. It's not fair to her. And if you're just worried about having another panic attack, then-"

"Hang on, no," Jonah interrupted. "No, Cyrus, stop. I want to be with Andi. I don't even know what you're talking about."

Huh? Cyrus was confused. He shook his head. "You said the other day that you're not even sure you like her, you just know you didn't have any panic attacks when you were with her. Remember?"

"I said a lot of things, Cyrus," Jonah said dismissively. "I'm not going to have another panic attack. Ever. It doesn't have anything to do with whether or not I'm with Andi. I just, I'm normal, okay? That was one fluke. I'm taking care of my anxiety, and everything is fine." His mood sure had changed quickly. His words were coming out faster and faster, and it was almost like he was MAD at Cyrus. But Cyrus was just trying to help. Jonah was his friend. And so was Andi. And he didn't want either of them to get hurt. But he didn't seem to be changing Jonah's mind about getting back with her. Maybe he should try a different tactic?

"Jonah, please. Please don't get back with Andi," Cyrus was genuinely pleading now. His eyes were squinting up in concentration, and he barely held himself back from grabbing Jonah's hand like the other boy had done to him not too long ago.

Jonah scoffed. "Why shouldn't I?" But before Cyrus could say anything, Jonah kept going. "What, are you jealous or something?"

Ouch. Jonah had no idea. He probably didn't actually think Cyrus was jealous or wanted to be with Andi, but even so, just to think that he would suggest that really hurt Cyrus's feelings. Cyrus just wanted Jonah to be happy. He wanted what was best for him. He wanted him to get help with his mental health.

And if he was jealous of anyone, it would be Andi. She had gotten to be with Jonah like Cyrus would never get to do. Even if it hadn't been the most romantic relationship, it seemed to be more than Cyrus had with Jonah. Especially right now, when Jonah was upset with him.

But Cyrus tried to focus on what was important. Jonah's health and happiness. He needed to deal with his anxiety, rather than trying to cover it up by getting back with a girl he had no real feelings for. And Cyrus would do anything he could to help convince Jonah of this.

This is how he found himself saying, "yes." Saying he was jealous, and he didn't want Jonah to be with Andi, because it was destroying their friend group. That they all needed to be single in order to focus on their friendship.

That wasn't what Cyrus had been intending to say when he asked Jonah to meet him here, but he realized it actually wasn't that bad of an idea. Things would be a lot less stressful and dramatic if there were no romantic feelings in play. Although, Cyrus still hadn't figured out how to get rid of his own romantic feelings for Jonah.

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" Jonah asked, his face softening.

Well, because it's a lie, and I actually have feelings for YOU, Cyrus thought. Sometimes he hated how cowardly he was. Why couldn't he just be honest and stop bottling up his feelings? (He knew why.)

"I want you to be happy." There, at least that part was true.

Jonah pulled Cyrus into a hug. "Thank you, man. I want you to be happy, too. You know that, right?"

Cyrus nodded, holding on tight to Jonah. "I'm okay, really. I was just worried about you."

"Don't be. I'm really fine. I won't get back with Andi if you don't want me to, but I don't really know how else to deal with this anxiety."

"Can I be honest with you?" At least Cyrus could feel comfortable admitting one thing.

"Of course."

"I really don't think Andi will help your anxiety. I mean, she's amazing, but she does expect a lot from you. And if you're not into the relationship, her needling you is just going to bring more anxiety."

Jonah didn't say anything for a minute. He had pulled back from the hug, but was still holding his left arm around Cyrus's shoulders. He appeared to be contemplating something. Cyrus wasn't sure if he should wait for Jonah to say something, or if he should just offer silent support, or maybe give suggestions for other ways Jonah could deal with his anxiety? After all, with therapists for parents, Cyrus did have a little know-how on dealing with scary thoughts and working through problems. 

"Now can I be honest with YOU?" Jonah finally said. This made Cyrus's heart beat faster, just like almost everything the other boy did. Man, this crush was embarrassing. Cyrus could barely act like a semi-normal person in Jonah's presence, which was tough because with them being best friends, they were together a lot.

Cyrus just nodded, trying not to let it show that he had a major lump in his throat. It meant a lot to him that even though Jonah clearly hadn't wanted to talk about his anxiety when he first arrived on the bleachers to meet with Cyrus, he now felt comfortable enough to open up. That must really mean that he trusted and respected Cyrus, and saw him as someone he could be vulnerable in front of.

Although, Jonah HAD clammed up after being honest and vulnerable the other day. But, Cyrus figured, that wasn't that unusual. After he was very open with someone, he did feel a lot of awkwardness at first. Like he almost wished he hadn't been so vulnerable, because now he couldn't keep up a guard and protect himself. Like now someone knew his secrets, so they would know how to get to him. How to hurt him. Gosh, Cyrus hoped Jonah hadn't felt like that after he had confessed to Cyrus. That would break his heart. Didn't Jonah know that Cyrus would never betray his confidence? That he would never in a million years do anything to purposely hurt Jonah? He really really hoped he knew.

And Jonah did know. Which is why he was finally ready to open up to Cyrus. 

"Do you want to know a big reason why I wanted to get back with Andi?"

Cyrus nodded again. Poor Jonah was having a hard time letting this out.

Jonah took a deep breath. "It's because... because she sees me as the best version of me. And I want to be who she sees me as. Get rid of this anxiety, and this self-consciousness, you know?"

Boy, did Cyrus know.

"I think you're right," he found himself saying, surprising both boys. "Andi DOES see the best version of you. But that's not the REAL version of you."

Jonah frowned, but Cyrus held up a hand. "Hear me out," he continued. "Andi really likes you. But she likes the version of you that you put out to the world. That's not who you really are. It's not about finding someone that sees you as the best version of you. It's about finding someone who sees that you're not always your best, but they love you anyway."

"So, I should be with someone who likes me even though I'm not perfect?"

"Yeah," Cyrus agreed, smiling. "Someone who doesn't expect you to be perfect, but just expects you to be yourself. Because turns out the real you is actually really great."

Jonah smiled back. He could tell he was blushing, but he honestly wasn't that bothered by it. It helped because Cyrus was blushing, too. 

"I didn't know people would still like me if I wasn't perfect. My parents, they expect me to be... well, who I pretend to be," Jonah admitted, his eyes filling up with water. He was a little embarrassed, but he knew Cyrus wasn't judging him.

"Your friends don't expect that of you. We love you the way you are," Cyrus smiled shyly. He couldn't believe this was even happening. Even though he hadn't said anything that absolutely for sure gave away his feelings for Jonah, he certainly wasn't doing anything to hide them, either.

"Thank you," Jonah replied, letting the tears spill over. He hugged Cyrus again, squeezing even tighter than before. Cyrus pulled his arms up around Jonah's neck, wrapping them around him. This felt really nice. Really right. Jonah thought so, too. He was feeling very content. But of course there were still some things bothering him.

He had been so strong already today, and he wasn't sure if he could deal with any more honesty. But he really needed to know. And for some reason, he couldn't seem to wait even a minute longer to find out.

So he just asked. "Cyrus, when you say you love me... do you mean as a friend?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have recently uploaded all my fics that I have written in the past on tumblr! They’re here on this site now! Please check them out! Some of them are actually cute!! 
> 
> They’re Backstage (Jax/Miles and Bianca/Alya) and Best Friends Whenever (Barry/Naldo). Thanks and I hope you like them!


	9. I'm off in a world you don't get

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Real by NF

Cyrus sputtered nervously. He knew he was being kind of obvious about his crush, but Jonah didn't even know Cyrus was gay! And now all of a sudden he seemed to know that Cyrus was in love with him?? No way. Cyrus was not ready for this.

He shook his head vehemently. "I don't know what you mean," he insisted, scooting slightly away from Jonah on the bleachers. "Of course I mean as a friend. How else would I love you?"

Jonah's blush deepened. "Oh, no, Cyrus - I just meant - like -" He swallowed thickly, blinking rapidly. Huh. Cyrus had never seem him so rattled. "I meant like, I see you as like a brother. I'm not saying it's the same for you, but - but that's how I see you. That's how I love you." 

Whoa. This was a lot to unpack. On one hand, Jonah had just told Cyrus he loved him. Which was a HUGE deal, and something that Cyrus had never imagined happening in a million years. Jonah LOVED him!! This was cause for celebration!! Although... Cyrus had already known they were best friends, and this wasn't anything more than that, was it? It couldn't be. Jonah had specifically said that he only saw Cyrus as a brother. Which, don't get Cyrus wrong, was incredibly sweet and flattering. But it wasn't what he wanted. He had always wanted Jonah to love him back. But not like a brother. No, he wanted Jonah to love him the way Cyrus loved Jonah. The way that they talked about in romance novels and love songs. The way where he couldn't talk right when he saw him, and his eyes lit up when he entered the room. And he got butterflies every time they touched. And seeing him smile was like magic. That's what Cyrus wanted. Was that so much to ask?

Apparently, it was. Because here Jonah was, explicitly telling Cyrus he only loved him as a brother. And here Cyrus was, blinking like an idiot, still having not responded to Jonah's admission. Maybe he better do that. So he cleared his throat. "That's how I love you too, Jonah." Cyrus's heart was still beating insanely fast. "You're my best friend. You're my brother." He forced a smile. And Jonah seemed to buy it. He smiled back, bigger than he had all day. All week, even.

"Well, if I have you, then I definitely don't need to get back with Andi," Jonah declared. He grabbed his bag and stood up. "Thank you for talking with me, Cyrus. Knowing that you're always here for me really means a lot. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Okay, Jonah really had to stop saying things like this. He didn't need to be with Andi because he had Cyrus? Almost like Cyrus was taking Andi's place? Ugh, stop giving me false hope, Cyrus thought. You don't have romantic feelings for me, just like you don't have romantic feelings for Andi. So yeah, in a way, Cyrus could take Andi's place. They were both in hopeless situations where the boy they liked didn't like them back.

But Cyrus had to stop dwelling on that. Jonah loved him. And they were best friends. And that was what was important. Cyrus would just take whatever he could get. At least he got to be with Jonah everyday, and make him smile, and laugh, and support him. That was more than a lot of people could say. And heck, Jonah had revealed something about himself to Cyrus that almost no one else knew. That was really special. That meant something. Apparently, it meant that Jonah saw Cyrus as a brother.

Cyrus knew he wasn't the first gay boy to have a crush on a straight boy, and it was time he stopped wallowing about it. He was just going to give his all into his friendship with Jonah, and not worry about having a romantic relationship with anyone right now.

Or at least that's what he planned. But the best laid plans still sometimes don't work out.

\-------------------

TJ was in a bad mood. On his way home from school, he had passed the bleachers and and seen Cyrus and Jonah sitting very closely and talking. Not that this necessarily meant anything, but it still made TJ jealous. He liked Cyrus, and he wasn't denying it from himself anymore. He had come out to Buffy, and he was starting to accept himself. But maybe he still wasn't moving fast enough? Because it seemed everyone at school was getting into relationships, and that made TJ want to as well.

Andi and Walker seemed on the brink of going out together, and Buffy had recently made up with Marty so their weird non-couple thing was back on. And now Cyrus and Jonah seemed to be getting closer. Sure, TJ knew neither boy was actually gay, but it still wasn't fun to see the boy he liked so close with someone else.

TJ thought back on how good it had felt to tell Buffy that he liked boys. He kind of wanted to tell someone else. But he wasn't sure who. His family wouldn't want to hear that. And he couldn't tell Cyrus, at least not yet. Maybe he would try to come out to his teammates. They went to a very progressive school, after all. They would probably be okay with TJ being gay. Right?

It was just scary. Because what if they weren't okay with it? What if they were awkward around TJ because they thought of him differently? What if they saw him as inferior?

But no. The boys on the team weren't like that. They weren't hateful. In fact, they had all been very open to Buffy being on the team. All of them except for TJ. So if that meant anything, than they were open-minded and okay with change. They would be okay with the change of TJ being open about who he was. They would accept him for who he was. Wouldn't they?

But then, if TJ came out to the team, wouldn't he be out to the whole school? Surely the news would spread, even if the boys didn't spread it intentionally. But... maybe that was okay. If they took care of spreading the information, TJ wouldn't have to do it himself. He wouldn't have to come out directly to the people he was worried about. He wouldn't have to tell Cyrus face to face. That was probably for the best. TJ got tongue-tied around Cyrus anyway. He had no idea how he would say "I'm gay," without also somehow revealing that he had a big crush on Cyrus, and that Cyrus had been the catalyst for TJ realizing his sexuality. Yeah, that was definitely something TJ was not willing to admit. So better that Cyrus hear from someone else about TJ's orientation. That way it would seem like Cyrus wasn't as important to TJ's epiphany as he really had been. Like Cyrus didn't even factor into it. Like TJ had known he was gay the whole time. (Technically, this was true, but only subconsciously).

Yes, it was settled. TJ would come out to his teammates. They would take care of the rest. It didn't have to be a big deal. Although maybe TJ should give Cyrus at least a little warning. After all, he had promised to be a better friend to him. So he would just give a little heads up that some information about him might be coming to light, and then the heavy lifting would be done by the team. Not so bad. Not so scary. Well, except that TJ was still terrified. It seemed like that was his new constant.

But he was determined to do this. And he would. The next day at practice.

\----

The time for practice arrived quicker than TJ was ready for. But that was just another excuse. He wanted to tell his team. It had seemed easier yesterday when it was just a plan, but now that he was standing on the court actually facing the boys and Buffy, it seemed impossible.

Buffy already knew, so TJ tried to draw his confidence from that. She had reacted so well, and she would support him here on the court as well. So he just looked at her.

"We all set?" Coach Taylor asked. The team had finished warming up and where clustered around the bench, getting ready to run the plays Coach wanted them to review. They nodded and answered "yeah" as they checked their laces and got ready to take position.

"Actually, hold on," TJ spoke up. "I wanted to tell you guys something." His heart was hammering in his chest. He was still keeping his gaze focused on Buffy, and her eyes widened as she realized what was happening. 

"What's up, dude?" Pete asked once TJ didn't say anything else. Everyone was looking at TJ, and he felt so small. So inferior. There was no way he could do this. He shook his head. "Never mind."

Pete frowned, and TJ didn't miss that some other boys rolled their eyes. They thought TJ was just wasting their time. "Let's just play," another boy, Clark, muttered.

For some reason, that irritated TJ. They weren't even going to try to get him to talk?

He realized then how irrational he was being. He wanted everyone to pay attention to him and give him praise, but when it was actually time for him to be real and open with them, he couldn't do it. They had every reason to want to stay focused on the practice, especially because half the time when TJ opened his mouth, he was only insulting a team member or dragging out practice. He needed to be fair to his teammates. He needed to give them a chance to be who he needed them to be. A chance to step up and be his friends as he went through a scary time. They couldn't be there for him if he didn't LET them.

It was time to let them in.

"Wait."

The boys turned back around, some of them still looking annoyed, but others looking somewhere between curious and concerned.

"Everything okay, TJ?" Buffy asked, trying to help him get there.

"Yeah, everything's fine." TJ nodded, trying to ignore how clammy his hands were getting. "I'm just gay."

Whoa. He had done it. He had done it!!

He knew his face was probably bright red, and his heart felt like it was outside of his body, but he had done it!

A few boys snickered. Oh no. This is exactly what TJ didn't want.

"Are you kidding?" Pete asked, smirking slightly. TJ's heart clenched. They thought he was joking. They thought he was messing around. Because that's what boys their age did. They weren't serious, and they didn't think about their actions, and they were too casual even when they shouldn't be, and they joked about being gay. And TJ had only recently realized how much he hated that.

But when TJ didn't respond, Pete's face softened. And the other boys drew their faces back into concerned looks. They realized TJ was being serious.

"Oh." Pete swallowed hard. "Oh, you... you are gay?" His face was getting a little red, too. He seemed to be embarrassed about his earlier reaction.

"Yeah, I am." TJ nodded, finding it difficult to get any more words out.

"Oh," Pete said again. "Well, okay. Cool. Do you have a boyfriend?"

And he wasn't saying it teasingly. He was interested. He was asking because TJ was his friend. There was no hostility or judgement in his tone at all. He was talking to TJ in the same way he always had.

And that's what TJ had wanted. He hadn't wanted his teammates, his friends, to see him differently. And maybe they wouldn't. This was one thing about him that was different, yes. But he was still the same TJ.

He smiled. Things were going to be okay. "No, I don't have a boyfriend. I literally JUST came out," he joked.

And the team laughed. They laughed, and they were smiling, and some of them patted him on the back as the headed out onto the court. Wow. They were okay. They still liked TJ. He was still their friend. And he could be himself.

TJ had never felt this feeling in his life before. He felt so vulnerable, but so free. There were really no words to describe it. But he didn't have to. He knew he would always remember this moment. The moment when he stopped being terrified of who he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you like about this story? What DON'T you like?


	10. Don't break your back for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I am the worst and I haven't updated in two weeks!! I'm having a hard time coming up with content! I hope this is an okay chapter!
> 
> chapter title from Stay by Post Malone

Jonah had a lot to think about.

It was Friday evening, and he was home alone. That was unusual, just because he would normally be with Cyrus or Andi or Buffy, or all three of them. But today he hadn't felt up to it. And he was trying to figure out why.

He didn't want to admit that it had anything to do with the conversation he had had with Cyrus on the bleachers a few days ago. But honestly, that talk HAD taken a toll on him. He had gotten so close to slipping up and saying something he shouldn't say. Something that was way too scary and vulnerable, and would probably end with him deeply humiliated. He couldn't take any more humiliation, especially not in front of Cyrus.

And what did THAT mean? Jonah was honestly so sick of not understanding his own feelings. Yeah, the therapy had been helping a bit, but it also sort of added pressure to him, because his parents were constantly checking in on his progress. He really just needed some space and time away from them.

That was one good thing about tonight. Mr. and Mrs. Beck were out at a dinner party, and wouldn't be back for hours, so Jonah had the house to himself. He didn't have to deal with pressure from outside sources. This should have been a major relief. Unfortunately, Jonah was still dealing with the pressure that he put himself under. His therapist had been telling him a lot lately that he was way too hard on himself, but it was a really hard habit to kick.

Jonah tried to tell himself that it was okay to be unsure of his feelings. He was still young. There was no need to figure himself out just yet. There would be plenty of time for that as he grew up and discovered more about himself. Weren't people always saying you find out who you really are in college? And that was still four years away. 

Jonah was starting to feel a little better when a notification popped up on his phone. It was a text from Cyrus. "Did you hear about TJ?" Huh? Jonah had BEEN there when TJ had confessed his learning disability to the boys. Of course he had heard. How could Cyrus forget? Unless he was talking about something else?

He didn't have to wait long to find out. Cyrus was already typing another message. "He came out. He's gay."

Oh! Wow. Jonah really had not expected that! His friend TJ, who was kind of a bully and seemingly pretty insecure. His friend who he had been kind of, maybe, perhaps, just a little jealous of. He was gay. Hmm. Maybe it shouldn't, but this kind of made Jonah look at him a little differently. Not in a bad way, just... different. More understanding, maybe. Like, it made sense that TJ was kind of a jerk sometimes. Because he WAS so insecure, and there were a few things he had been hiding.

Jonah felt bad that he had sort of judged TJ in the past. For things like his nasty attitude and his being a member of the "elite" basketball team. After all, Ultimate as way better! Jonah couldn't help but think of his own team as the very best at Jefferson. But still, that didn't make TJ less than him. In fact, TJ seemed a lot stronger than Jonah right now. He had had the courage to come out, and to be proud of who he was. It had taken a lot for Jonah to admit even to his closest friends that he was dealing with anxiety. But TJ had expressed himself to the whole SCHOOL! That had to have taken a lot of courage and strength. Jonah was proud of him.

But there was another feeling there, too. And Jonah wasn't exactly sure what it was. He felt... like he should get to be free too. He knew TJ must be feeling so much more like himself after coming out. And lately Jonah hadn't even really known WHAT it felt like to be himself. He was too busy trying to be the son his parents wanted, the friend Cyrus needed, the captain his teammates expected. He wanted to be himself.

And it felt like he was finally starting to get there. Because now he was pretty sure he knew what he had been feeling lately.

His phone beeped again. Another message from Cyrus. "We should talk. You and me and Buffy and Andi."

Oh God. What did that mean?

"Can we come over?" The screen lit up again.

Jonah could feel his heart beating faster. Why did they all want to talk to him? Did they know? How could they know??

Well, he had to find out. He quickly texted Cyrus back an affirmative. His friends were going to come over, and they wanted to talk to him, and he wasn't sure what it was about. He hadn't even told the girls about his panic attack, so it couldn't be that, right? Unless Cyrus had told them. But Jonah had been clear that he didn't want that information spreading, right? He was trying to tell Cyrus in confidence, thinking he wouldn't go blab it to his other friends. No, Jonah KNEW Cyrus. And he wouldn't tell something private about someone else. He wouldn't.

So again, Jonah wasn't sure what this talk was going to entail. Surely his friends didn't know about his confusing feelings that he was maybe finally starting to understand?

\-----

"Are you still going to tell him?" Andi asked Cyrus, glancing at him questioningly as they, along with Buffy, piled out of Bex's car in front of Jonah's house. 

Cyrus thought about it. Well, he had been thinking about it for weeks now. But was he ready to come out to Jonah? He had been trying to sort of test the waters by telling Jonah about TJ's coming out, which Cyrus realized was incredibly selfish of him. But it's not like he had spilled TJ's secret. Everyone at school was talking about it. TJ had started the news himself. So surely he wouldn't be upset that he hadn't been the one to tell Jonah? Cyrus figured it was okay.

And Jonah had taken a while to respond to Cyrus's text, but when he had, he seemed genuinely happy for TJ. He didn't seem to be grossed out or anything. And really, it was stupid for Cyrus to think that he would be. Jonah was a great guy. There's no way he would abandon a friend for being gay. And Cyrus knew that. He really did. But he wasn't exactly worried about Jonah abandoning him. He was more worried about Jonah acting awkward around him. They were getting to be so comfortable with each other, and Jonah had opened up to Cyrus about his insecurities and anxieties. They were really forming an important and meaningful friendship. Cyrus didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. He didn't want to do anything that would make Jonah stop loving him.

"I want to," Cyrus finally replied. "But I don't want to make things weird."

"Cyrus, things are ALREADY weird," Buffy pointed out. You and Andi like the same boy, and he broke up with Andi even though they weren't even dating, and now they're just friends, and maybe Andi doesn't even like him like that anymore, and who knows how Jonah's feeling, because he doesn't open up to anyone! Whatever. It's all weird." Buffy rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

She had a good point. And secretly, Cyrus felt special that he knew he was one of the very few people that Jonah actually DID open up to. That made him feel really good. He smiled and nodded. "You're right. I'm not going to make things anything worse. I am going to tell him."

"Tell me what?" Jonah asked, opening the front door of his house. He looked pale, like he was worried. Aw, Cyrus hadn't meant to freak him out when he told him they all needed to talk. But he could see how that would trigger Jonah's anxiety. Whoops. He probably should have worded his text differently. There were actually a lot of things he would do differently given a second chance.

But he wasn't going to mess this up. He was going to be honest. "I wanted to tell you something about me," Cyrus managed to get out through his gulping breaths. 

"Okay. Come in," Jonah looked slightly confused, but some color was returning to his face. That was good. Cyrus could do this.

The four friends took a seat in the living room, no one too close to one another. They seemed to all have the same sense of self-preservation. But it wouldn't last long. 

"I don't mean for this to be anticlimactic, but Buffy and Andi already know," Cyrus began, surprising himself with how quickly he jumped into the serious conversation. "And I want to tell you."

Jonah nodded. "When you said we needed to talk, I thought i had done something wrong. Is everything okay?"

Was it? Cyrus wasn't exactly sure. He wasn't thrilled with the whole unrequited crush thing, and he was feeling bad about not being there for TJ right now. Other than that, things were just peachy.

Cyrus realized Jonah was still waiting for an answer, and he quickly nodded vigorously. "Everything is fine." Yeah, that was a good way to describe it. Fine.

"Okay. We're still friends, right?" Jonah asked hopefully. Cyrus felt his heart break a little. Poor sweet Jonah actually thought Cyrus would ever want to stop being friends with him? For any reason? No way. Cyrus was once again hit with the realization of how insecure Jonah actually was. How could he think his friends would ever stop loving him?

And then Cyrus realized that just a few minutes ago, he had been worrying about the same thing. He saw how silly that was. None of his friends would ever, EVER feel differently about him. Especially not Jonah.

"We're still friends." Cyrus smiled. "I wanted to tell you that I'm gay." He paused a moment, letting it sink in. "I know this is weird timing, because TJ just came out too, but I've been wanting to tell you for a while. I was just scared. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid -"

Cyrus was cut off by the breath being squeezed out of his lungs. Jonah had squashed him in a bone-crushing hug, his arms wrapped fully around Cyrus, their cheeks pressed together, Jonah's head resting on Cyrus's shoulder. Cyrus was taken back to that night a few weeks ago when Jonah had held his hand at the restaurant. Whenever they touched, Cyrus felt sparks. Did Jonah feel them, too?

"It's not stupid. You're not stupid." Jonah put his hand on the back of Cyrus's head, stroking his hair for a second before pulling slightly away. "Thank you for telling me, Cyrus." He looked at Buffy and Andi "You guys knew?"

"Only for a little," Andi answered, her legs crossed tightly in front of her.

And for some reason, Cyrus was feeling really brave right now. "They knew before you, but only because I was the most nervous to tell you," he admitted to Jonah.

"You didn't need to be nervous," Jonah said, looking a little bit hurt. He hoped he hadn't come off as unaccepting. Why else would Cyrus be the most nervous to tell Jonah, his best friend?

"I know, but it was scary to tell you, because... you're the person that made me realize." Cyrus's cheeks were redder than ever, and he couldn't believe he had actually said it.

But Jonah didn't get it. "I made you realize what?" Gosh, what an oblivious cutie.

Cyrus giggled. "That I'm gay, dummy. I figured it out because of the way I felt about you."

Jonah did not miss the past tense of the verb. But wait. What? How had Cyrus felt about him? "You... you liked me?" This was a lot to process.

"Yeah. I.. I had a crush on you."

"What happened? Why did you stop?"

Whoa. Cyrus hadn't expected that. "Because you told me you love me like a brother, I guess."

"I didn't mean it in a bad way." Jonah felt like an idiot. He had never meant to hurt Cyrus.

"I know that. It's okay, Jonah. I'm not upset with you."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You can't control how you feel." Cyrus smiled sadly. "I know that better than anyone."

Although, in this moment, Jonah felt like he knew it pretty well himself. He certainly couldn't control how he was feeling right now. And he hated it. It terrified him.


	11. The only difference between life and dying is one is trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried not to make the wait so long! I hope you like the chapter and don't find it too short!
> 
> chapter title from Lovely by Twenty One Pilots

Cyrus knew a talk with TJ was imminent. But he wasn't afraid. The hardest part had already happened. Confessing to the boy that you have feelings for that you have feelings for him is really as scary as it gets. And that was over. The expected rejection had happened, and Cyrus knew where he stood with Jonah. Figuring out where he stood with TJ couldn't possibly be that devastating.

 

Yeah, devastating definitely wasn't the word. Crazy, maybe. Enlightening. Definitely not what Cyrus was expecting.

 

Because when he approached TJ at lunch on Monday, he barely had a chance to say hi before TJ rolled his eyes. "Now you want to talk to me?" TJ grumbled under his breath.

 

Oh gosh. He was mad. Probably because Cyrus hadn't reached out to him sooner. "TJ, I'm sorry. I thought you'd be busy, and would want to be with your close friends -"

 

"Yeah, and I thought YOU were one of my close friends. But you didn't even call me!" TJ burst out, looking more upset by the minute. Crap. Cyrus had really screwed up. He should have been thinking about what TJ was dealing with, rather than Jonah's suspiciously emotional reaction to Cyrus's own coming out. Cyrus had been unbelievably selfish.

 

"I'm sorry. You're right," he admitted, sitting down next to TJ at the lunch table. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. You just... you didn't come out to me, so I wasn't sure if you ready to talk about it with me."

 

TJ sighed, finally seeming to relax a little. "I wanted to talk about it with you. I really did."

 

Cyrus nodded. "Okay, then let's do that now."

 

"What is there to say now? I'm gay, and you didn't want to talk about it with me. You didn't even text me. You just went over to Jonah's." TJ seemed irritated again, maybe even more so than before. What? He was upset that Cyrus went to Jonah's? Oh my God. Was he jealous?

 

"Should I not have gone to Jonah's? I'm sorry - I just had to talk to him. TJ, I messed up, okay?" Cyrus was feeling a lot like they were two boyfriends getting in a fight. This is not at all how he thought this conversation would go.

 

"You can go wherever you want. I'm the one who messed up. I got things all wrong." Now TJ's words sounded like he was apologizing, but his tone was just as angry as ever. What did he mean he got things all wrong? What things?

 

"It's not wrong. You did nothing wrong," Cyrus tried to assure his friend. "I'm not upset that you're gay, if that's what you think. I think it's great. I'm really happy for you!"

 

TJ rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, you just don't want to be around me."

 

Cyrus shook his head vehemently. "No, TJ, that's not it. You don't get it -"

 

"Then explain it to me!" TJ was standing up now, and Cyrus knew they were causing a scene. He grabbed TJ by the shoulder and ushered him out into the hallway so they could have some privacy.

 

"Look, TJ," Cyrus began, but honestly he wasn't even sure what he was going to say. The reason I went over to Jonah's was because I finally felt ready to come out to him, because you inspired me by coming out to your friends? Yeah, TJ would LOVE that.

 

"What?" TJ asked, impatient. He was sick of being treated as a third wheel in Jonah and Cyrus's friendship, and he was sick of feeling insecure. He wanted to remove people from his life that made him feel that way. And as hard as it would be, he was starting to think Cyrus would have to be one of those people.

 

"There's stuff I'm not ready to talk about. But I do care about you, and I do support you. I've... I've been friends with Jonah for a long time now, and I'm only just now ready to open up to him. And I know I'll get there with you someday. It just isn't yet. But I'm so so proud of you for being open about who you are." Cyrus smiled, feeling crummy for still not being transparent with his friend.

 

"Isn't that a little hypocritical?" TJ pointed out. "You expect me to want to share with you, but you go talking about me to Jonah because you're not ready to talk TO me yet? That seems messed up."

 

"No, I wasn't talking about you to Jonah," Cyrus protested. "Well, not really. I DID mention that you came out, but the rest of our conversation wasn't about that. Seriously. It was just stuff between Jonah and me."

 

TJ laughed cynically. "And I'm not between you and Jonah?" he challenged.

 

Wow. Cyrus didn't realize he was coming off as hostile toward TJ for interrupting his alone time with Jonah. Is that what he had been doing? Or was TJ talking about something else? Would Cyrus ever understand this boy? Or was he doomed to remain a mystery as long as they attended the same school?

 

Cyrus's habit of staying quiet for far too long was rearing its ugly head again. TJ was looking at him expectantly.

 

"It's not like that," Cyrus protested. "Jonah and I are just friends. And I thought you and I were, too. I thought we could ALL be friends. I didn't realize I had to choose."

 

TJ shook his head quickly. "No, you don't have to choose. We CAN all be friends. But I think... I think maybe some feelings between the three of us aren't just friendly."

 

Cyrus gulped. Why did TJ have to word it like that? Why did he have to be so cryptic all the time? Couldn't he just come out and say what he was thinking?

 

And then Cyrus realized he WAS being hypocritical, because he expected TJ to be open and honest with him when he wouldn't do the same in return. Maybe it was time to change that.

 

"Okay, maybe you're right," Cyrus relented. After all, he had had a crush on Cyrus for a long time now. And if TJ could come out to the whole school, Cyrus could surely come out to just TJ, right?

 

But he didn't even get a chance to. Because now TJ was moving toward Cyrus. And now he was looking him straight in the eye. And reaching for his hand. "Do you like me?" TJ asked, slowly running his thumb along the back of Cyrus's hand. "Because I like you."

 

WHAT?? Okay, that is NOT where Cyrus thought this was going! He thought TJ was talking about Cyrus's obvious feelings toward Jonah. But no! Apparently TJ had feelings for him?? This was too much for Cyrus to handle!

 

He was so tempted to run away rather than facing this awkwardness. He didn't even know how he felt about TJ. Yeah, he sometimes got butterflies when they talked, but that was probably just because TJ could be kind of scary, and Cyrus didn't want to mess anything up. Plus, it was just intimidating because TJ was so cool and popular compared to Cyrus. And Cyrus had always been sort of amazed that TJ even wanted to be his friend. And now it turned out TJ had romantic feelings for him?! This was a lot to process!

 

TJ backed away, probably nervous that Cyrus hadn't responded yet. "Okay," he cleared his throat. "Clearly you don't feel the same. Sorry."

 

"No, no, no," Cyrus reached out, desperately not wanting to hurt TJ's feelings. "I don't know how I feel, TJ. I... do you know... about me? Do you know I'm gay?"

 

And now it was out there. And TJ could do whatever he wanted with it. The ball was in his hands. Or whatever that expression was. Cyrus didn't know anything about sports.

 

TJ paused. "Um, I... hoped so?" he admitted, feeling a little awkward but a little optimistic. “I didn't know for sure. But I see the way you are with Jonah, and I thought...maybe. And you are, right?"

 

It was already out there. Cyrus didn't think he would be able to convincingly deny it. "I am. And it's kind of embarrassing that you noticed I have sort of a crush on Jonah."

 

TJ shook his head with a smile. "No, don't worry about it. It's honestly not that obvious. I think I just noticed because I was jealous. Because that's the way I feel about you, and you feel that way about him."

 

"I'm really sorry that I didn't know." Cyrus thought gay kids were supposed to be able to identify other gay kids? Gaydar, right? He certainly didn't have that. Maybe it developed over time?

 

"Don't be sorry. Just give me a chance." TJ's face had softened, and it was honestly so adorable. Cyrus couldn't say no to that. Could he?

 

"I..." Cyrus cleared his throat. "TJ, you're so great. But I don't think it would be fair to you for me to try to transfer my feelings for Jonah to you."

 

"I'm not asking you to do that. I don't want you to have the same feelings for me that you have for him. I want it to be different," TJ tried to explain. "I want us to have our own thing."

 

And it was just all so sweet, and there was no way Cyrus could turn him down. He had already been cruel enough to TJ, not being a friend when he so desperately needed one. Cyrus wasn't willing to let him down again. Plus, things with Jonah were hopeless anyway. Why should Cyrus wait around for someone who would never have romantic feelings for him?

 

"Yeah, let's do that," Cyrus smiled, feeling kind of giddy even though he was incredibly nervous and still pretty shocked.

 

"You mean it?" TJ was practically beaming. "You want to go out with me?"

 

And yeah, Cyrus actually did. Like he said, TJ was great. And there was no reason not to try.

 

Except that Cyrus was still terrified to be open about his sexuality with anyone other than his closest friends.

 

But that was something to deal with another time.

 

Because right now, he had his very first date with a boy!


	12. You looked at death in a tarot card and you saw what you had to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so unbelievably sorry I've been gone for over two months! I know there are no excuses, but I was really busy with the end of the school year (I was a teacher). And then after that I've been pretty depressed and haven't felt like doing anything. And I recently got a writing job, so I've been writing all day for work. But I really have been wanting to write more of this, and I caught up recently on the 7 (I think) episodes of Andi Mack that I have missed, so I'm all caught up with the current episodes now!
> 
> What do you guys think of the current storylines?
> 
> chapter title from Dying in LA by Panic! at the Disco

Jonah was getting really good at pretending. He had been doing it his whole life really, pretending to be calm and cool in the face of any stressful situation. But now it was different. He was being more open with his friends about his anxiety, and yes, that was a bit of a weight off his shoulders. It still kind of felt like he was carrying the world, though.

Because now he had to pretend that he was completely fine with all the new revelations his friends were tossing his way. And yeah, it was definitely selfish to take TJ and Cyrus's comings out so personally, but Jonah really couldn't help it. His friends had something he didn't have. They were comfortable with themselves, secure in who they were. Jonah would kill to be able to feel that.

And it got worse. Because Jonah was heading out of the school building at the end of the day, ready to walk home with his friends as he had been doing every day lately, when he saw something that honestly kind of hurt.

Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus were walking down the stairs of the school, and TJ was waiting at the bottom. Which was all good and fine, but then what happened next made Jonah feel... betrayed for some reason.

TJ held out his hand, and after hesitating for a moment and glancing around surreptitiously, Cyrus took it. Huh? What was going on? Cyrus had JUST come out to Jonah a few days ago! And he was already ready to be out to the whole school? And have a boyfriend?? Whoa! Things were moving way faster than Jonah was comfortable with. And he realized this was ridiculous, because it shouldn't affect him this much. His friends could be with whoever they wanted. He should be happy for them. Why couldn't he be happy for them?

And then Jonah realized. He was jealous. 

Oh, God. He was going to have another panic attack.

He tried to take deep breaths. He couldn't do this, not here. Not in front of the whole school.

He needed to calm down. He just wasn't sure how.

He tried to think rational thoughts. What had his therapist said to do? Reflect. Reflect and breathe.

He was breathing. So now he just had to think back on why he was feeling this way. Well, let's see. When was the last time he had felt so jealous and hurt? 

Oh, yeah. This is how he had been feeling when Andi had gone off with Walker. 

Okay. This was okay. He had gotten through that, and he would get through this.

In fact, it hadn't even been that upsetting when it was all over. Jonah had realized he didn't have romantic feelings for Andi after all, and he had been able to be more open and honest with her. He told her she was still very important to him, but only as a friend. And he had only freaked out because he felt scared of the unknown. It wasn't because he was truly devastated to lose Andi as a "girlfriend," or whatever they were. He just was afraid of change.

Okay. Phew. Jonah had been scared for a moment there. But now his breathing was almost back to normal. Because he didn't have those kinds of feelings for Andi, and he was feeling the same way about Cyrus right now, so clearly he didn't have romantic feelings for Cyrus either! That was a relief. He didn't think he would have been able to handle that.

Good thing he just saw Cyrus as a friend. A really close friend, who he was kind of possessive of, and didn't like to see him holding hands with another boy. 

Oh gosh. Jonah had another scary thought. If Cyrus was really just his friend, why would Jonah not want to see him holding hands with TJ? Was Jonah a homophobe?

He had never considered that possibility before. He had always thought of himself as an open-minded and accepting person. He had two cousins who were gay, his Aunt Jen's son and daughter. He had always been fine with seeing them with their same-sex partners, so why would this be any different?

Maybe just because Cyrus was his best friend, and he didn't want to lose him? Jonah had heard a lot of talk about how once your friends get girlfriends or boyfriends, they won't have nearly as much time for you. And that sounded awful! He still wanted to be able to hang out with Cyrus all the time!

Yeah! That was why he was upset! Surely! He didn't want to lose quality friend time.

Jonah quickly realized the irony of the situation. He was losing quality friend time right NOW. His friends were waiting for him at a table in the outside commons, and he was just standing there like an idiot. Man, he did that a lot.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, and when his eyes focused again, he realized Cyrus was looking at him expectantly from across the concrete. Oh. And he had dropped TJ's hand. TJ was talking to Buffy and luckily didn't seem to notice. Cyrus gave a little wave, and Jonah waved back, making his way over to his friends quickly.

"Hi," Cyrus said quietly, only meeting Jonah's eyes for a second. The rest of the group gave quick smiles, and they headed off down the sidewalk. Maybe it was just in Jonah's head, but it seemed like there was enough room for three people across the sidewalk, and yet he had gotten stuck in the back, while Andi and Buffy took the front of the group and TJ and Cyrus followed behind them. Maybe they hadn't purposely meant to outcast Jonah, but he still didn't love it.

“Do we have any plans today, or are we just going to The Spoon again?” TJ piped up. He was only looking at Cyrus, but surely the question was directed towards the whole group, right?

“Why don’t we go to the music store?” Jonah suggested, trying to make sure he was heard from the back of the group. And maybe he had almost shouted, because passersby were giving him strange looks. He cringed eternally. Would he ever stop embarrassing himself? Not likely.

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Buffy smiled brightly. Jonah could always count on her to help diffuse the awkwardness. Buffy was a true friend.

\-------  
“Hey, do you guys want to see some of the songs I’m working on?” Jonah suggested. They had been at the record store for about a half hour, just browsing around and making small talk about their days. Jonah had kept his eye on TJ and Cyrus as much as he could without seeming weird, but they seemed to be acting perfectly friendly and normal. And wouldn’t Cyrus have told Jonah if he had a boyfriend? Yeah, he had only come out to Jonah like a week ago, but wasn’t that a turning point for their friendship? Didn’t that prove that Cyrus was comfortable telling Jonah anything?

Jonah didn’t have time to ruminate on it anymore, because Andi was dragging him and the rest of the group over to the couch to hear Jonah’s songs. Everyone seemed pretty excited to see what he had to share. That made him feel good. It made him feel important.

He played a song he had recently written about growing up, figuring that was something his friends could all relate to. They clapped politely for him when it was over, and Jonah beamed. He could still have fun with his friends. It’s okay if Cyrus didn’t want to tell him every little thing right away. Jonah knew he would open up in time. And for now, he didn’t mind just goofing around and playing music with his buddies. In fact, he kind of loved it. He found himself strumming away on the guitar for hours as his friends watched on, occasionally showing Buffy a chord or encouraging Andi to accompany him on the bongos.  
They had a lot of fun that afternoon, and Jonah had almost forgotten all about TJ and Cyrus’s new closeness. That was, until it got dark outside and it was time to head home. Jonah would normally walk the same direction as TJ and Andi, so he figured they would do the same today. He grabbed his backpack and put back the guitar he had been using. 

Buffy and Cyrus headed in the direction of their houses, and the other three went the opposite way. They walked in relative silence for a few minutes until TJ spoke up.

“So, um, I don’t know how much you guys know,” he began, clearing his throat.

“You don’t have to tell us,” Andi assured him, “if you’re not ready.”

TJ nodded, thinking about it for a minute. “I mean, I don’t think we’re trying to hide anything.”

For some bizarre reason, Jonah felt his cheeks heating up. Why was he getting flushed right now? At least it was dark outside so the others probably couldn’t tell.

“You shouldn’t have to,” he declared, surprising himself. “You don’t need to hide who you are.” He tried to smile reassuringly, but it probably came out more like a grimace. 

TJ returned the smile. “I just don’t want to overstep any boundaries. But Cyrus has told you…about – like, about him, I think.”

Andi chuckled. “Yeah, TJ. We know Cyrus is gay.”

“He only told me recently,” Jonah supplied, and then, like an idiot, he kept talking. “He told me he knew because of me.” God, why was he so stupid? He wanted to hide his face in his hands, but he didn’t think he’d be able to cover the foot in his mouth.

TJ only let himself looked confused for a split second. “I know he had a crush on you. I hope that doesn’t make things weird.”

Maybe Andi knew something Jonah didn’t, because she spoke up before he had the chance to. “No, of course not!” She laughed awkwardly. “I mean, we’ve all had a crush on Jonah, right?” She plastered a grin on her face, silently begging Jonah to just let it go.

So he did. “Yeah, sure, everyone loves me,” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry, TJ. I didn’t mean to be weird.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m learning to deal with the whole ‘you and Cyrus’ thing.” Huh? What did that mean? They didn’t have a thing. Did they?

“Well, they’re really close friends,” Andi tried once again to diffuse any tension. Bless her heart.

“Yeah, we really are just friends. I don’t have any feelings for him,” Jonah said, still hating himself for not shutting up.

“I know you don’t.” And TJ really meant it. Good. Because it was true. Jonah was happy for Cyrus and TJ. Really happy. 

_I’m so happy for them,_ he told himself as he said bye to his friends and entered his house, careful to lock the door behind him.

_I’m just glad they have each other,_ he reminded himself as he grabbed his pajamas and headed for the bathroom.

_I’m really excited that they’re together,_ he assured himself as he tried to scrub away the guilt and shame in the shower.

_I’m so extremely happy that my friends are dating,_ he uttered as he brushed his teeth too hard, making himself bleed.

_I’m thrilled that they feel comfortable in their relationship,_ he breathed as he lay in his bed, ignoring the wetness pooling in the corners of his eyes and eventually rolling down his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!! Comments, questions, anything!!  
> Thanks for sticking around!!


	13. Too late to go out, too young to stay in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yiiiikes the most recent episode!!! Cyrus and Jonah's scenes were so cute and then suddenly Cyrus doesn't have a crush on Jonah anymore?? Huh? Since when????
> 
> chapter title from Archie, Marry Me by Alvvays

When Cyrus woke up each morning, he still had to check to make sure the past few weeks hadn’t been a dream. He had really come out to Jonah. He had seriously confessed his feelings. And he had a boyfriend. And it wasn’t Jonah.

Not that he ever really expected it to be Jonah. But he had definitely fantasized about it. What would it be like if when he had come out to Jonah, Jonah had simply said, “me too”? If he had said “I feel the same way about you.” But he hadn’t. And he would never. And deep down, Cyrus had always known that. But now it was out in the open, and it was confirmed.

It was like Schrödinger’s Cat, kind of. The thought experiment, which Cyrus had learned about in a psychology class meant for 8th graders (and no, he absolutely did not sign up because Jonah was in that class), supposed that if a cat is in a box containing radiation, and the observer cannot see the cat, the cat can be assumed either dead or alive. However, once the box is opened, one of these two results will be confirmed. Only WHEN the box is opened and the observer has seen the results is the cat REALLY alive or dead. This puts the guilt on the observer who ultimately opens the box to find a dead cat. In this theory, they have essentially killed the cat. Because without them, the cat could still be presumed to be alive.

So Cyrus had opened the box by confessing his feelings to Jonah. And because of that, the cat was dead. Er, well, his chance with Jonah was dead. Not to say that it had ever really existed. Maybe that cat was dead in the box the whole time. But the guilt still laid on the one who opened that box.

Cyrus knew it was a messed-up way to think. And he knew it really wasn’t fair to TJ to still be dwelling on Jonah. But it was really hard to move on. Jonah was the first boy Cyrus ever had feelings for. And he loved him. They were young, yeah, but they were best friends, and he really, truly loved him.

But Cyrus knew he could grow to love TJ, too. Cyrus got attached to people quickly, and he and TJ had already been dating for three weeks. Although, as middle schoolers, their dates really just consisted of going to the movies or The Spoon. Sometimes they held hands, and that was nice. Cyrus did get a giddy feeling whenever TJ reached out for his hand. And when TJ smiled at him. And when TJ laughed with him. And – okay, so he definitely had feelings for TJ. And he knew those feelings would grow even deeper over time. He just hoped they wouldn’t completely eliminate his feelings for Jonah. He didn’t really want to lose that, as weird as it sounded. Was it a little masochistic of him? Maybe. But Cyrus couldn’t help it. He was only human, after all.

But he did want to do better by TJ. And he was going to start today. He grabbed his phone and quickly sent a text.

C: Hey, what are you doing today?

TJ: I have work this morning, and then nothing after. Want to do something?

C: Yes I do! Can we go to the swingset?

TJ: Sure! Should we meet there?

C: No, I’ll pick you up from work. It will be more like a date.

TJ: LIKE a date? ;)

C: It WILL be a date! :)

TJ: Good. I look forward to it!

Cyrus smiled to himself as he got up to pick out an outfit. Hmm, what should I wear to the park? When he was going to have a serious conversation with his -gulp- boyfriend? This was uncharted territory, and Cyrus was panicking.

Hey, he knew someone who knew about panicking. Maybe he should call Jonah?

Cyrus knew he probably shouldn’t, but he really had been missing out on his Jonah time lately. He missed him. What was so wrong with that?

Besides, it was just a phone call. He wasn’t going to see him in person or anything.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he had clicked Jonah’s name in his contact list and the phone was ringing. But it kept ringing. And ringing. And then it went to voicemail. Oh. That was unexpected. Cyrus figured it was a sign, and he tossed his phone back on his bed. He could do this without Jonah’s help.

\----

Later that afternoon, Cyrus picked up TJ from the gym as promised. TJ was all smiles, and gave Cyrus a hug when he saw him. “Hey, dude! Why the swingset today?” he asked good-naturedly.

Cyrus shrugged, feeling those butterflies again. “I kind of want to talk to you about something.”

“Uh oh, did I do something?” TJ looked panicky, and Cyrus had to stop himself from giggling. God, TJ was cute.

“No, you didn’t do anything! Nothing’s wrong,” Cyrus assured him, touching his arm gently.

“Okay, good. Cause I kind of wanted to talk to you about something, too.”

TJ still sounded upbeat, so Cyrus knew there was nothing to worry about. But he still wanted to know now, rather than keep up the suspense.

“Tell me.”

TJ nodded. “Okay, well… I think I’m ready to come out to my dad.” TJ’s mom wasn’t around, so it was just his younger brother, his dad, and himself. His dad was…quiet. Cyrus had only met him in passing, and this was before he and TJ had started dating, so he hadn’t really paid much attention.

“Oh, wow!” Cyrus felt his heart pumping fast. He hadn’t even officially come out to his own parents yet. Like, he was pretty sure they knew, but he had never said the words “I’m gay.” He didn’t really feel like he had to. His parents knew him. They saw how he was around Jonah. He had noticed their knowing looks. And they never said anything when TJ came over, which had been pretty frequently lately. So Cyrus just let it be. But he knew it wasn’t like that with TJ and his dad. “That’s great! How are you going to do it?”

TJ thought for a minute. “I don’t know. I just… really want him to know. It’s going to make things awkward, because any serious conversation with him is weird. He’s so closed off emotionally. Ever since my mom left.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cyrus offered, already knowing TJ wouldn’t want to.

“Not right now,” TJ answered softly. “But maybe someday.”

Cyrus felt his heart swell. He really liked this boy.

They had arrived at the swingset, and TJ gestured for Cyrus to sit down. He did, immediately pumping his legs to get the swing moving.

“You don’t want me to push you?” TJ asked, surprised. He sat down on the swing next to Cyrus.

“Nah, I got this!” And Cyrus really felt like he did.

And then TJ spoke again. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Cyrus gulped. He wasn’t necessarily scared to ask, but he wasn’t jumping for joy either. “Uh… I don’t want to upset you, or bring up any bad memories or anything, but I think… it would help me to know.”

“Yeah?” TJ looked confused and a little nervous, but he was still swinging. He wasn’t running away. That was a good sign.

“Who was the boy?”

“The boy?”

“Sorry. Yeah. Um… who was the boy who made you realize?”

“Oh.” Now TJ stopped swinging. “You mean who was my Jonah?”

Cyrus stopped, too. “No, I don’t mean it like that,” he protested. 

“No, no, I know. But like… yeah, my Jonah. The boy who made me see I was gay.”

Cyrus nodded, not trusting his voice. He really didn’t want TJ’s answer to be him, and he didn’t know what that meant. He just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility. He couldn’t hold that much power.

“I’m sorry,” TJ was getting choked up. Cyrus’s heart broke for him, and he slipped off his swing to stand next to TJ’s. Cyrus reached for his hand. “No, don’t be. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said apologetically.

“It’s fine, really,” TJ shook his head. His eyes were watery, but no tears were falling. “It was just kind of… it was a long time ago.”

Oh. Cyrus hadn’t expected that. He himself had only realized about a year ago that he was gay. Well, realized for sure. Maybe he had always known it was a possibility.

“I want to tell you,” TJ insisted. “But I don’t… I don’t want you to think… like, don’t judge me for who I was, okay?”

Cyrus nodded. “I promise I won’t.”

TJ was clutching the chains of the swing too hard. Cyrus gingerly pulled his fingers away and led TJ over to the jungle gym. There were no kids around, so he didn’t feel bad taking up the two slides next to each other.

Cyrus held out his hand for TJ to take, but TJ was playing with the strings of his hoodie intently.

“How old were you?” Cyrus prompted, finally getting TJ to look at him. TJ saw Cyrus’s hand now. He lightly traced over it with his own hand before placing it on top gently. He gave a soft smile before he finally answered.

“Eight or nine. I was in third grade, I remember,” TJ began. “I went to the elementary school in Midtown, and it was pretty small. Like only 12 kids in a class. I was friends with all the boys in the class, cause that’s just how it was back then, you know? Everyone was friends with everyone, but girls had “cooties” or whatever. So it was normal.”

Yeah, Cyrus knew exactly what TJ meant. Those had been tough times for Cyrus, because the other boys made him feel lame for having two girls as best friends. They definitely teased Cyrus a lot and called him names, but it only lasted for a year or two before it was considered cool to be friends with girls. Man, kids were fickle. Cyrus nodded for TJ to continue his story, and he did.

“There was this kid, Evan. And he was so loud and crazy. We were all still friends with him, but like, he was just bonkers. Couldn’t sit still for a second. Didn’t listen to anything the teacher said. Just really did his own thing.”

TJ was looking wistful now, and it kind of broke Cyrus’s heart. TJ had really liked this Evan boy, even though he had been so young. Cyrus knew your first crush would always mean a lot to you. Heck, he was going through trying to move on from his own crush right now, so he knew how impossible it could feel. “What happened?” Cyrus prodded, trying to be gentle. “When did you know you liked him?”

TJ chuckled scornfully. “I didn’t. I thought I hated him, actually.” A tear slipped down TJ’s cheek, and Cyrus reached to wipe it away, but TJ shook his head, pulling back from Cyrus’s touch. Cyrus tried not to take it personally. He knew TJ was being very vulnerable with him right now, and he appreciated how difficult that was.

“Everyone kept going on about how funny Evan was. I had enough, finally. I was like ‘he’s not that great, he’s actually really weird.’ And like I said, small school. So it got around pretty fast that I was saying… not the nicest stuff about him. And one day, he confronted me about it. I said he thought we were friends, and he didn’t get why I was suddenly being a jerk. And I got so mad. I thought… God, I really thought I hated him. Maybe I thought I was jealous of the attention or something? I don’t know. But I thought I hated his guts. And so I told him. I said ‘don’t you get it? I hate you! That’s why I’m being mean to you! Because I truly hate you, and I don’t want to know you!’” TJ took a deep breath, and Cyrus thought maybe the story was over. But he was just pausing to wipe his tears away. There was more. “I, um, I guess he was really upset. And he got really withdrawn, Evan did. The rest of the school year, he was like a new person. And the other kids were really annoyed with me, cause I had upset Evan and made him change. I’d taken away their entertainment.” TJ rolled his eyes.

“Were the kids cruel to you?” Cyrus asked, hating himself for doing so.

TJ shrugged. “Not more cruel than I deserved.”

“Come on, don’t-” but Cyrus knew TJ wouldn’t hear him out.

“I’m almost done. Okay. The school year was over, and I didn’t want to go back to school the next year with everyone hating me. So I thought I would go to Evan’s house and tell him I didn’t really hate him. Still, I thought I did. Cause I got so angry when I thought about him. But I wasn’t mad at him, obviously. I was mad at me. And I just couldn’t realize that as a nine-year-old. Whatever. So I went to his house. His mom let me in, and I still remember the way she looked at me. Like I’d done something horrible to her. And I guess I had. I made her son hate himself. And that sounds dramatic, I know, but like, you didn’t see how much he changed. He must have… I don’t know, cared what I thought about him. It’s stupid.” TJ was shaking his head erratically, clearly struggling not to get too emotional. “Um, so when I got to Evan’s room, I asked him if we could talk, and he said he already knew what I was going to say. He said he knew why I hated him. He was sure he knew. And me, the idiot that I was, I asked him. Because still, STILL, I thought I hated him for real. So I asked him why he thought that was. And he said…he said, ‘because you know I want to kiss you.’”

Cyrus tried to keep his jaw from dropping. TJ sniffled. The wind blew gently, rustling the chains of the nearby swings.  
“So, yeah. Evan told me he wanted to kiss me, and he knew I hated him for it. And I just… didn’t know what to do. I mean, we were nine years old. I didn’t know… like, I had seen people kiss in movies in stuff, but I was like… only boys and girls do that with each other, you know? So I was like, ‘Evan, what do you mean, you want to kiss ME? I’m a boy.’ And Evan just nodded. And he goes ‘Yeah, and I’m a boy too, and you think it’s gross. You hate me because you think I’m gross.’ And I said no. I said ‘I don’t think you’re gross. I think you’re confused.’ And like, where did I even get that from? Was that already conditioned into me as a nine-year-old? I thought gay feelings were just confusion? I was so dumb!”

TJ was really angry at himself, and Cyrus wished he had never asked to hear this story. He had hoped to get closer, and hoped to let TJ see that they had both gone through these big things, and it didn’t mean they couldn’t keep going. They could move on together. They could get over their first crushes, and they could be together. But maybe TJ wasn’t over his.

“And he told me he didn’t think he was confused. He was pretty sure how he was feeling. And then he asked if he could try something. I knew what he wanted. I knew what he was going to do. And I wanted him to. So I let him kiss me. And it was, you know, we were kids. It was like the shortest little peck. But we kissed. And I guess that’s when I first thought something was different about me. I wasn’t like all the other boys at school.”

TJ had gotten calmer over this last part of the story, more accepting. Cyrus was trying to process everything. He had not expected TJ to have already kissed a boy. But then again, kids do that kind of stuff all the time. “Did you guys get along better after that?” Cyrus asked, knowing it was a stupid question, but needing to know the answer.

TJ laughed bitterly. “Yeah, sure. I mean we both agreed to keep this to ourselves for a while, and then when school started up again, he was gone. His mom had pulled him out of the school and transferred him across town.”

“So you never talked about it?”

“Nope. I never saw him again.” TJ tried to laugh again, but it came out more like a cough.

“I’m really sorry. I don’t know what else to say,” Cyrus muttered.

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t.

“I just feel so bad that you had to go through that.”

“Yeah, um, it wasn’t great,” TJ admitted. “But it’s over now. I’ve accepted who I am. I don’t think about him much anymore.”  
“Why haven’t you tried to get in contact with him?” Cyrus wondered.

TJ shrugged. “I’m afraid,” he said simply. He got up from the slide and started walking away, looking back for Cyrus to follow him.

“You should reach out,” Cyrus suggested, trying his best to catch up.

“Yeah, like that really worked with you and Jonah,” TJ scoffed.

What was that supposed to mean?? Yeah, Jonah hadn’t liked Cyrus back, but… wasn’t that irrelevant now? Cyrus and TJ were together. He didn’t mean TJ should reach out and try to start dating Evan, or something!

“What? No. I don’t… Jonah and I never kissed.” Cyrus was shaking his head, trying to follow TJ’s line of thinking.

“But if he had wanted to, you would have kissed him, right?”

What was Cyrus supposed to do? Should he lie? Wasn’t honesty the best policy? But he didn’t want to hurt TJ… gosh, relationships were hard.

“It’s okay,” TJ assured him. “I know you would have kissed Jonah. It’s fine. I know how much you liked him. How much you still like him. It’s fine. I don’t… I can’t let it bother me, cause that would be hypocritical.”

“You mean because you still have feelings for Evan?” Cyrus felt uneasy about this.

TJ shrugged once again. “I’m not sure. But I know he was special to me. Still is special to me. So I can’t begrudge Jonah being special to you. Well, I’m trying not to. I’m working on it.” He smiled, and Cyrus let out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding.

Maybe the purpose of this date had actually worked out. Maybe he and TJ had finally gotten closer, and been able to relate to each other. Sure, the intention was to move on from past experiences, but maybe neither of them was ready for that yet. And maybe that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this chapter! It's... not very good. I just had to write it. I couldn't stop. So self-indulgent.
> 
> But please do let me know your thoughts!!
> 
> Oh my gosh, and thank you all soooo much!!! Because of you, my story has the most Hits, the most Comments, AND the most Bookmarks of ANY Andi Mack fic on this whole site!! That's so amazing!! I feel very honored! Thank you!!!!


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